praise beysus

Beysus Christ surveys her kingdom

I have a confession to make. I haven't always liked Beyonce. For a very long time, I watched her win countless awards, top countless charts, wear countless bad outfits created by her drag queen mother's countless Dereon slaves, and all the while I observed with a feverish suspicion. Who was this robot? Where were her flaws (acting ventures aside)? From what planet was she sent? And most importantly, how did a biologically male drag queen birth a daughter?

I don't have the answers to those questions, but I’m proud to say that Beyonce and I have really turned a corner. Things are a lot better for us now. We've been in couples counseling and we've recently had a breakthrough. Sometimes I wonder if it's just because she is with child (you know how I feel about babies). But then I wonder if the rumors are true – that she’s not really pregnant – and that this is all a rouse to get me to like her. You have to admit, it makes total sense considering robots clearly can't carry children, but then again, neither can drag queens and how is any of this even possible?

The fact of the matter is I can finally accept that I like Beyonce. Just as quasi-famous people can now passively admit that they are gay like it’s no big deal (and then go on to post self-congratulatory blogs), I can now humbly admit that I am a Beyonce fan and write a self-congratulatory blog.

I have to acknowledge my privilege here, as we like to say in the far superior non-profit world. I am a white upper-middle-class man who is being constantly assaulted with images of this strong (sometimes) black woman with way more talent than I could ever dream of having. Could this be the reason I was resistant? Could my subconscious racism be the root? I don’t think so because I have a friend who’s black.

I have always respected her, the way one respects a person who has been bred from conception to only eat, sleep and breathe stardom. The kind of respect you have for a person without the balls to walk away from that brainwashing to do what they really want and not what their parents want for them. So as you can see, I really do have a deep and profound sense of respect for Beyonce.

What I really like about Beyonce is that she is so good at being a star, whether it’s what she really wants or not. Daddy Knowles taught her right, until he didn’t, at which point she fired him and finally became smarter than him. It’s the classic tale of offspring outsmarting their sires, exacting revenge in the form of multi-million dollar success. We know it all too well, as most of us have likely experienced it. 

When I think of superstars, I think of people like Madonna, Lady Gaga, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Heidi Montag. Superstars annoy me, though. Because they get a sense for their power and things change. Madonna became mean and youth-obsessed. Lady Gaga became Madonna. Brad Pitt is still okay and I think that's because he could get it. Give it to me, Daddy. Angelina Jolie became this. Beyonce has somehow managed to walk that fine line of being a BAMF showbiz diva without coming across as mean, attention-seeking (even though the very nature of her work is attention-seeking), or entitled.

Beyonce very well may be all of those things and more: mean, spoiled, a raging alcoholic. But you wouldn't know it, would you? I want whoever is doing her PR to do mine and call my boyfriend every morning after I've drunk cried to him the night before. I want to appear effortlessly perfect too!! And I want a pony.

Here are some other things that I love about Beyonce:

• The woman has some lungs. For those unfamiliar with this idiom, it means she can sing really well.
• She dances like a boss and can learn choreography in the blink of an eye Don’t believe me? Check it out here.
• Beyonce releases music videos like I release turds – almost daily, depending on if she’s had coffee. Sure, some of the music videos look like they were produced inside of a turd, but who else is on their grind like that?
• She is show business, and not in the way that Gaga is show business by saying “LOOK AT ME, I’M SHOW BUSINESS AS EVIDENCED BY MY SHOWY COSTUMES WITH LOTS OF BUSINESS GOING ON.” Beyonce is the classic star – private, with intrigue and mystery, and talent coming out of her eyeballs.
•  She is a little bit crazy. I watched The Beyonce Experience (if there was an HTML code that made that sparkle and explode glitter when you read it, it would be right there), and when I got over my initial resentment for how perfectly she performs, I noticed that she has moments of madness. I love nothing more than someone with little tiny cracks of crazy, besides full-on shit-on-the-walls crazy people.
• She "writes" her own music. She has other people craft catchy, excellent pop and R&B songs for her and then inserts the word "and" into each one, obtaining a writing credit. While I would normally loathe this about a recording artist, I love it with Bey because she's a businesswoman and she can actually sing the word "and" and have it sound amazing.
•  She has single-handedly harnessed the technology for invisible fans that hover around her at all times to blow her hair.
• She is a strong working woman whose band is made up entirely of women. As a feminist, I eat that shit up.
• She is married to Jay-Z. A sham marriage/strategic move to gain her street cred? Maybe. But it lasted longer than 72 days, so I am down with it. Plus, you get a sense for what a true saint she is for looking past Jay's obnoxiously huge nose and loving the man on inside. Seriously though, think about what it must be like when he sneezes. Do you think he uses bed sheets to blow it?

And now, I leave you with one of my favorite Bey songs of all-time: "Love on Top." I like to think that she "wrote" this song for me and about how long it took for me to come around to her. Please note the costume changes for every octave change. That's pretty fucking clever.  I love you, Bey.