give me babies

"Why I Oughtta!"

I suffer from baby fever. You may think that this is an illness one gets from being in contact with too many babies, or that would cause one to develop baby-like symptoms. This is not true. It's more of a crippling mental condition that makes it extremely difficult for someone to function in the presence of babies due to sheer excitement and love of said babies. If a baby is sighted, one very well might not be able to function for the entire remainder of the day as they are overwhelmed with thoughts of babies, their little tiny clothes, and how to obtain one.

I have always really loved kids and I'm really good with them. I should note that I'm not one of those people who says they're really good with kids while they're holding a kid that's screaming bloody murder and popping blood vessels in their eyes simultaneously. Kids love me. We get along famously. This is most likely because I am a kid stuck in a 26 year-old's body, or because I have a vivid imagination, or because the things kids do that annoy most people don't annoy me at all. In fact, I find almost everything kids do endearing and adorable, including playing with their own poopy. Plus, kids are fucking fun as shit and are rarely a downer. When was the last time you met a kid who wouldn't shut up about his ex? When was the last time you met a kid who couldn't have fun because she was worried what her hair looked like? When was the last time you met a kid who couldn't hold their alcohol? Exactly.

I used to teach gymnastics to toddlers and it was probably my favorite job of all-time. The only time that job sucked was when I had to facilitate birthday parties and it wasn't because of the kids: it was their fucking parents. That's because adults ruin everything - especially their own kids. Kids are these amazing little monkeys that you can get to do whatever you want, and that's where things can go wrong. I've seen too many adults, drunk on power (and probably also a cocktail and some pills) who create little monsters in their likeness. What I mean to say is there are way too many stupid people and Republicans having/raising babies and not enough people like me, who would create walking models of perfection.

I've always wanted kids. The fact that I'm gay and lacking a uterus to grow said kids has never really inhibited me, though it did my dad. When I mentioned having a family after I had come out, he whispered later to my mom "Well, I guess the whole gay thing was a phase since Wes wants kids now." She looked at him, dumbfounded, and was all like "...Gay people have kids too, honey." Oh Dad, you poor, sweet, naïve, innocent, idiot baby.

I Googled "black babies" and this
appeared and was titled
"grosspicture.jpeg"

I don't feel inhibited because I've been aware of the fact that adoption is a viable option for me ever since I met an adopted kid in 1st grade who told me that her "real Mommy didn't want her." That statement might break some people's hearts. It warms mine, because finder's keepers loser's weepers, bitches. I can't wait to have little adopted babies - hopefully of different races - so I can look at them puzzled and flabbergasted when they inevitably ask "am I adopted?" one day. Also, people will probably look at me like I'm Angelina Jolie and think how generous and white and amazing I am for saving children from the Third World, even though they'll probably be from like Oakland or something. (I will be careful not to be seen like Madonna, who chose unwisely to adopt a kid who still had a living parent.) This is one thing that's not up for negotiation (unlike baby names and diaper brands). I can't, in good conscience, start a family and not adopt a child. There are too many kids without a home, and while they may not be blessed with my impeccable genes, I'm sure there is a cute one or two out there who would work out just fine or at least for a few years.

However, very selfishly, I do want a little Wes or Wessa with my DNA replicated, too. It's important to always have a biological child to keep the adopted ones on their toes, I hear. I also think it's important because I need to have a favorite, and that would make choosing so much easier. So, a biological kid is necessary. In that case, I always figured I'd pimp out one of my many women hanger-onners (just kidding! ...I need you) to grow one for me.

Little Wes

I go through strange phases where I have insanely strong urges to have kids. Think maternal instinct, biological clock, all that stuff. Funny thing is I'm not a woman, much to the disagreement of one of my best friends, Kacie P., who maintains that my man boobs are actually woman titties. I try not to think about my true gender identity too much, mostly because it takes a lot of effort to transition from man to woman and I'm much too lazy for that. So, I'll just stick with identifying as a man with a maternal instinct. In case you haven't caught on, right now is one of those strange "make me a Mommy" phases.

Whenever I see a baby, I stop and fawn over it. I always do this at a distance because while I realize I am crazy, I do not wish for others to realize I am crazy. When I had a dog, I hated when people would stop me in the middle of a clearly serious, determined walk to love on him. I always smiled, but through my smile I was saying "we have shit to take care of, and by shit, I mean that literally if this dog doesn't shit in the next two minutes I'm throwing him into oncoming traffic." Dogs are cute. Babies are cute. We get it. You stopping me on the street to tell me so is not a life-changing revelation. Wouldn't it be funny though if you were like, "Oh my GOD! I never realized my kid was cute until JUST NOW!!!" See, that's another reason to have babies: to make other people feel stupid.

I want kids because my older brother and his wife are lazy pieces of shit who don't care about how much I need a child in my life. I mean, it's not like they have jobs or are studying to become pharmacists and make serious money or anything. I want kids because I have irrational anxiety that my parents will die very soon and if they don't have grandkids, it's all my fault, because I'm the only one considerate enough to procreate just for them. I want kids because my little brother is paralyzed and who knows if he can even have them? And even if he could, would we really want him to raise them?

It's a lot easier for me to talk about my burning, unrelenting desire to have children in a blog post filled with jokes than for me to talk seriously about how I will literally die if I don't have children within the next ten years because that puts unnecessary pressure on myself and the people who happen to (unfortunately for them) be involved with me at the time being (sorry bf, and all women who I only view as baby farms). But seriously. Seriously. I can't wait to have kids.

Mostly, I want kids because I have a burning desire to care for a little fella or lady and give them the life I always wanted but never had so that they can grow up and resent me for it the same way I resent my parents. When I think about it, I know that it's so very selfish to want to bring another human being (although tiny) into the already overpopulated world. And I have deeply rooted reservations about raising a child in America (I want free health care and a bilingual baby, goddamnit). I think those are the questions that most people who are in a position of privilege (i.e. able to think about raising children as an option, not a mistake or necessity) have to answer.

Is my selfishness enough to outweigh my concerns? Am I optimistic enough to bring a youngster into the world and put them on the path to greatness despite all the odds that suggest they'll end up just as miserable as the rest of us? Or would I rather just buy a Chia Pet?