veronika changes the system

Recently, I read Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho, the author of The Alchemist. I read The Alchemist and I enjoyed it, but I didn't buy this book as a result of reading that book. No, no, I saw a preview for the movie that they're making based off the book starring Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy fans rejoice!). I only read books that I will one day be able to see as a film, because I feel as though the film serves as a means for me to understand the book better, because I get confused easily. Am I autistic? Perhaps. But Jenny McCarthy says I can be cured!

It's an incredible book. Maybe one of the best I've ever read. I'll have to let you know once I see the movie. And the best part is, it's like at a 7th grade reading level. But the story...that's where the magic is. It deals with the concept of "crazy." It deconstructs what we've come to know as crazy, or what it means to be normal, healthy, happy. And because it's written by Paulo, it's told with a simple gracefulness and serenity that is prevalent in all of his works.

For me, this book was a landmark. It was one of those things that came into my life just as I was on the cusp of transforming, and it took these abstract thoughts I was having about happiness, following your dreams, what it means to be crazy - and it fell in my lap and served as a guide to open me up to exploring those concepts more. Or maybe I wasn't on the cusp of anything. That's the thing about really good books - when you're immersed in the world of one, all the moments of your life seem to carry a new meaning.

The book is about a young woman, Veronika, who decides to kill herself after living 20-something years in a world where she hasn't felt much - or allowed herself to feel much. In our world, there's so much out there to numb you and distract you from the essence of life - real life - and this book tackles that idea head on. It reminded me of Revolutionary Road, not with my roommate using the movie theater as her toilet, but with the notion of following your dreams, however whimsical or spontaneous they may be. Do you follow your wildest fantasy, or do you live in constraint? I never considered myself to be someone who lived his life constrained, but the more I read the book, the more I realized how much I live within boundaries. Boundaries set up by the government, by society, by gender, by class, by my own freaky mind that insists on scaring the shit out of me when there is truly nothing to fear. The system does this to us, from the minute we're born and stamped with a gender and stamped with an identity, we are expected to perform to the fullest extent. So many of us fail at that performance, because at some point, we get that we didn't create this. And then the time comes to create yourself - and depending on when you make that realization, creating yourself can be incredibly difficult if you've made a life for yourself and have dependents (see also: fucking children). I may be a super-idealist-optimistic crazy head, but I believe that although incredibly difficult decisions arise - you always have the chance to create yourself, even if you have whiny brats asking you to pay for things. (For the record, I love kids and am just kind of playing them up as evil for no good reason).

What is the system? The system is that whole go to school, get good grades, get into a good college, you'll get a good job, you'll get a good family, you'll have good kids, they'll have good kids, and your life will be good. You're given a few years to generally fuck up and wander in your twenties, but move beyond that and people will probably think you're crazy and you need to get your shit together. The system also doesn't like for you to be a sexual freak, or experiment with different ways of life or drugs, because those are all giant risks and could be detrimental to living your good life that we've had planned for you from the start. Look! We even got you hardwood floors! And a puppy!

When you really start to think about the system, and you trace it back to where it began, you realize how it's total and utter bullshit. Or horseshit, depending on which animal you prefer. This book helped me realize that I'm so not interested in the good life. The life the system has laid out for me. I'm more interested in making my own system, in making something that works for me. It's hard when you're dad is always asking why you aren't taking better paying jobs, or when you're bombarded with messages that tell you to buy the newest iPod (God, that's the hardest), and I struggle with it daily. But I like to struggle. It builds character. And every day, when I wake up, I realize that my life is full of choices, and at the end of the day, the only person I ever have to answer to is myself. I'm the only person who I have to make happy, and I need to cut through all that no-good static noise trying to get me to do what they want and remember whose happiness I live for: mine.

I'm glad Veronika decided to die. She taught me how to live.