dear 16 year old me

The following letter is one I wrote to myself after reading The Letter Q. I was super touched by the book, in which accomplished LGBTQ writers compose letters to their younger selves. Here's what I'd say to me:



Wesley,

Hey, it's Wes. I know what you're thinking: "Who the fuck is Wes?" Well, you go by Wes now. I don't know why - at some point, I think you just decided it was cooler and that if you ever became famous (you haven't yet), it would be a lot more slick than "Wesley." I am writing to you from the future. Did you know that you can write to people in the past from the future? Total mindfuck, I know. They also have these things called "Segways," which are too complicated to explain but I will say that in a moment of cosmic brilliance, it's inventor died by riding his into a river by accident. If you don't appreciate how hilarious that is now, you will when you're 26.

I remember you well, but not as well as I'd like. As you grow up and become Wes, you'll realize that you have a terrible memory. This is probably because no matter what situation you're in, you're probably thinking about 5,000 other things. You're really good at being "present," but not as good at being present. What I do remember is that you have so much energy. So much so that some stranger will observe you, envy your consistent energy levels, and launch an entire industry of drinks, shots, and pills that are designed to jack people's energy so high that they resemble you on a regular day. I'm not sure if that's true, but as you can see, you've still maintained your creative way of remembering the things that you actually do remember. Either way, when you first hear of "Red Bull," buy as much stock as you can.

Your energy and enthusiasm for life is still going strong at age 26. The cool part is that people don't think you're "annoying" for it anymore. That's because you've learned, with varying levels of success, how to harness that energy into a constant performance that is relatively entertaining and less annoying. Also, you have a lot more freedom to surround yourself with people who appreciate how bat shit crazy and full-throttle you are. But more on that later.

Wesley, you're going through a really hard time right now and it's about to get worse. If I remember correctly, you're living in a world of mixed signals. You have your tiny but powerful clique of friends who fiercely support and defend what a big fag you are and alternatively, you have a much larger contingent of classmates who valiantly deride and harass you for what a big fag you are. They'll egg your house soon, and write on your front door in shaving cream: "Do your parents know you're gay?" (Um, your parents watched you dress up as a Princess on the regular, so obviously they do - but it'll still bug you.) Your parents will wash all of that away before you can even find out about it (that fun will come at school, later). You'll try to fight back, misguidedly, by turning your rage outward onto other people - often those lower than your already low rung on the social status ladder of high school. You'll have an odd and shameful moment of realization when you are working for a suicide prevention organization for youth and learn about how victims of bullying often victimize "weaker" people to regain a sense of lost power. Cosmic brilliance, man.

For every person who loves you and cheerleads for you, you seem to have two more who hate you. I don't have to tell you that this isn't hurting you in deep, psychological ways. Somehow, you've always possessed an understanding that what's wrong with you is actually what's wrong with other people. Still, things seem to build.

Shit with Mom gets worse, your grades suffer because you're too busy worrying about everything else, your adaptation and production of a stage version of Moulin Rouge! for the school's drama club isn't looking too realistic at this point, and the one boy you are in love with has no idea who you are (he will later, and you'll hook up, and it will be hilarious that you were ever in love with him), you want to tell your family that you're gay, and a Spice Girls reunion probably will never happen. Everything just seems to keep coming.

It's your life. It never ends. That's funny because No Doubt will release a song that has those lines, and you will fag out for it. However, it's true. I can tell you that you will swim through a lot of bullshit in the coming years. I'm actually writing to you from a pool of bullshit as we speak. That pool is located in New York City, so at least there's that. Yes, you actually live in New York. I'll wait for you to catch your breath.

As you try your best to manage the crises of your 16 year-old life, I don't have to tell you that it's going to make you stronger, funnier, and humbler. You're a pretty cool kid and you get most of that. In fact, there's nothing I could tell you that would make what you're going through any easier, I think. And from where I'm writing this, you know - the pool of bullshit, I wouldn't want you to change anything or do anything differently.

Because your life will somehow become a lovely journey marked by relationships and people coming in and out of your life who enrich you more than you thought humanly possible. They are the ones who will change you - not me. You will maintain and make unbelievable friendships that, in the future, when you look back on them, you will cry salty tears of joy at how fortunate you have been. Some of them will be your high school defenders. Some of them will be your once sworn enemies. You will blaze through the rest of high school (things get really awesome in your Junior and Senior year) and college on a mission of fun and friendship. You will become known for never turning down an opportunity to dance, to laugh, or to cause or steal a scene. You will do a backflip on top of a table in a bar and break a hanging lamp. You will develop a sense of love and appreciation for your parents and brothers that you never considered possible. Your mom will still be your hero, and she will earn that title. Your dad will turn out to be a hero as well, even though it's still hard for you to admit that.

You will fall recklessly in love with beautiful, strange men. You will hurt more than you've ever thought possible. Seriously, one time you will cry so hard you hit yourself in the face to try to make yourself stop and the worst part is it WON'T WORK! Ha! Sucker. Somehow, and I still cannot tell you how, you will manage to get through that pain and these men will become wonderful and cherished memories and milestones of your vulnerable journey.

You will know, with more depth and understanding than perhaps anything in your entire life, the power of giving yourself completely to another person. You'll understand selflessness and selfishness. You will teach your friends and lovers things just by existing and in return, they will teach you.

There will be moments when you think it is too much to handle and you can't imagine how it could ever end well. There will be moments when your life opens up in front of you in impossibly beautiful ways that you will never want to ever end.

And this will be your life.

You will still battle the anxiety of things not going the way they "should," you will still wonder if you'll find the "one true love," you will develop a fond appreciation for "quotation marks," and there will be times when everything feels like it's "too much to take."

But listen to me, Wesley. You are a very fortunate young man - because those moments, while stressful, are what will give you such a rewarding and complicated life. And the people you have selected to share your life with are as fiercely supportive as they were when you were 16. Sometimes, even more so. Plus, we're bigger and smarter now so we get shit done.

I really love you, even if you're not there quite yet. You are a weird, passionate and silly kid.

You'll see that some things never change.

Xo,

Wes