One of the most frequent questions I'm asked besides where I got my ass from (I got it from my momma), is why?
Why do you hate Gwyneth Paltrow so much?
Before I delve into this infuriating topic also known as the mother of Apple, I have to get a few things off my chest.
Hate is a strong word - one that I do not use except when I'm being hyperbolic or when I'm referring to Gwyneth Paltrow. So, okay. Yeah, I use the word about once or twice a day. Big deal. The reason why I have guilt about using the word is because it's the opposite of love. And back when I followed Jeffrey Self on Twitter (before I hated him), he once said something deeply profound. He removed the word "hate" from his vocabulary for a week and was moved by how much more positive his life was... Because it's so easy to complain and overstate how awful things are and how Twitter and blogs can just become breeding grounds for "hate" and negativity. I totally got that. So, I did it. And about a week later, Gwyneth Paltrow went and was herself and I was back to hating.
So it is with great reluctance that I divulge to you what I'm about to divulge. I know that everything I'm about to say is irrational, and I don't even know her, so how can I judge her, etc. And if you can suspend your disbelief for two hours watching Gwyneth Paltrow be an alcoholic country singer, than you can sure as hell suspend it for 10 minutes to read this. But really - I'm not a fan of negativity, especially the pointless negativity you're about to enjoy. Don't say I didn't warn you.
The truth is, I really don't have any solid reasons to hate Gwyneth Paltrow. She just evokes the same reaction in me that others get when they think of nails on a chalkboard or biting fleece. (OW!) However, I know that doesn't cut it. So, I'm going to dig deep... real deep, here. And I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Gwyneth, to me, represents privilege without humility. For proof of how obnoxious she is, we needn't look much further than her lifestyle website, Goop. Yep, Goop. She probably thought naming it something disgusting like that would give her street cred or some bullshit. But it doesn't distract from the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow has a lifestyle website. The only person who can rightfully own a lifestyle website is Oprah Winfrey. Not Gwyneth Paltrow, whose entire life has been handed to her on a silver platter inscribed with GKP (Gwyneth Kate Paltrow. Yes, I know her middle name. Know thy enemy.) When you click on "Go," you arrive at a landing page telling you where to go visit. And Gwyneth shares her stories on such locales. I would never read past the first sentence because I don't have to. She already slays me with her privileged bullshit in the first sentence of every description:
And did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow saved someone's life on 9/11?
The real reason why I detest Gwyneth is probably because she is a beautiful blonde female superstar, and there's nothing easier to loathe once they've reached the top. That's probably it.
Or maybe it's because when Gabrielle Gifford was almost assassinated, Gwyneth's publicist released a statement letting the world know that they were cousins (cousins who had never met) and that her "thoughts and prayers were with her and her family."
I'm just spitballin' here.
Because it's not enough to just be Gwyneth Paltrow, actress. She has to talk, be cousins with Gabby Giffords, be blonde, release statements, save lives, and promote things. She can't just act... She has to, you know, actively be Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't think I've ever seen anyone's attempts at appearing down-to-earth, or humble, or lighthearted fail so miserably. Gwyneth, do as RuPaul says: Know who you are and deliver at all times. When you decide to appear to be something you're not...
Why do you hate Gwyneth Paltrow so much?
Before I delve into this infuriating topic also known as the mother of Apple, I have to get a few things off my chest.
Hate is a strong word - one that I do not use except when I'm being hyperbolic or when I'm referring to Gwyneth Paltrow. So, okay. Yeah, I use the word about once or twice a day. Big deal. The reason why I have guilt about using the word is because it's the opposite of love. And back when I followed Jeffrey Self on Twitter (before I hated him), he once said something deeply profound. He removed the word "hate" from his vocabulary for a week and was moved by how much more positive his life was... Because it's so easy to complain and overstate how awful things are and how Twitter and blogs can just become breeding grounds for "hate" and negativity. I totally got that. So, I did it. And about a week later, Gwyneth Paltrow went and was herself and I was back to hating.
So it is with great reluctance that I divulge to you what I'm about to divulge. I know that everything I'm about to say is irrational, and I don't even know her, so how can I judge her, etc. And if you can suspend your disbelief for two hours watching Gwyneth Paltrow be an alcoholic country singer, than you can sure as hell suspend it for 10 minutes to read this. But really - I'm not a fan of negativity, especially the pointless negativity you're about to enjoy. Don't say I didn't warn you.
The truth is, I really don't have any solid reasons to hate Gwyneth Paltrow. She just evokes the same reaction in me that others get when they think of nails on a chalkboard or biting fleece. (OW!) However, I know that doesn't cut it. So, I'm going to dig deep... real deep, here. And I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Gwyneth, to me, represents privilege without humility. For proof of how obnoxious she is, we needn't look much further than her lifestyle website, Goop. Yep, Goop. She probably thought naming it something disgusting like that would give her street cred or some bullshit. But it doesn't distract from the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow has a lifestyle website. The only person who can rightfully own a lifestyle website is Oprah Winfrey. Not Gwyneth Paltrow, whose entire life has been handed to her on a silver platter inscribed with GKP (Gwyneth Kate Paltrow. Yes, I know her middle name. Know thy enemy.) When you click on "Go," you arrive at a landing page telling you where to go visit. And Gwyneth shares her stories on such locales. I would never read past the first sentence because I don't have to. She already slays me with her privileged bullshit in the first sentence of every description:
- On Lisbon: "I became friends with Randy Poster when we did The Royal Tenenbaums together—I acted, he did the music supervision." Shut up.
- On Beijing: "I had always wanted to visit mainland China, so when I was invited to Beijing to perform at an event, I jumped at the very generous invitation." Shut. Up.
- On London: The royal wedding is upon us tomorrow, and if you are in town and want to get close to the action, we’ve listed the best places for picnic supplies, and also the best, closest parks." Shut UP!
- On Paris: "When I was ten years old, my father and I took a trip to Paris, leaving my younger brother and mother in London where she was filming a movie." SHUT UP!!!
- On New York: "As much as I am a product of many places, I am a New York girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious city and it is a part of who I am. I was an uptown kid and a downtown grownup and this duality helps define me." Oh God, please shut up.
And did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow saved someone's life on 9/11?
"Basically, what [had*] happened was I had gone to a yoga class very early. I was on the way home and it was the morning of September 11 -- not that I knew at the time what that meant -- and a girl was jaywalking across the street and we kind of both stopped at the same time and waited a really long time... Ten years later I got a letter from her saying that she had been late for work and we had that thing and she went down to the Christopher Street station to catch her train to go down to the World Trade Center where she worked on the 77th floor of the South Tower and the train was just pulling out," Paltrow continued. "So had we not had that interaction she feels like her life would've taken a much different course."By different course, you mean the one that leads to certain death. *Also, I added the 'had' to 'what had happened was' because it made her story considerably less insufferable.
The real reason why I detest Gwyneth is probably because she is a beautiful blonde female superstar, and there's nothing easier to loathe once they've reached the top. That's probably it.
Or maybe it's because when Gabrielle Gifford was almost assassinated, Gwyneth's publicist released a statement letting the world know that they were cousins (cousins who had never met) and that her "thoughts and prayers were with her and her family."
I'm just spitballin' here.
Because it's not enough to just be Gwyneth Paltrow, actress. She has to talk, be cousins with Gabby Giffords, be blonde, release statements, save lives, and promote things. She can't just act... She has to, you know, actively be Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't think I've ever seen anyone's attempts at appearing down-to-earth, or humble, or lighthearted fail so miserably. Gwyneth, do as RuPaul says: Know who you are and deliver at all times. When you decide to appear to be something you're not...
- Happy homemaker
- Humble mother capable of naming children
- Advice columnist
- Life-saving savant
- Frommer's Travel Guide
- Singer
...you just come off as an insincere prick. Or pricke? Would Gwyneth spell prick with an 'e'? I think she would. And when we all know that you were born into privilege and you try to act like you can hang with the rest of us... you just seem like a big jerk.
But seriously, you guys. Enough with my irrational hatred. It's probably about as annoying as Gwyneth herself. So, I'm going to stop. I want to end this on a positive note.
Gwyneth Paltrow gets her scalp ripped off in Contagion.
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