wholehearted

Stop. Before you continue reading this entry, watch the video below. Yes, it's twenty minutes long, but so is the average time it takes anyone to read one of my insufferably long entries. You will thank me.

I posted this on the Facebook and emailed it to some of my closest friends and family because it is, in essence, exactly how I try to live my life. Try being the key word. You know those moments when someone comes along and says something that you have always thought but never had the courage or eloquence to say? This was one of those moments for me.

I have struggled a lot with my vulnerability since moving to New York City. It's been difficult at times to make real connections with people here, and I've wondered if it's just adulthood or New York. I have made some really great friends since I've been here, but I've also held myself back a little bit. It used to be something I was known for, for better or for worse, because I was always talking about my feelings, my insecurities, or the things that I wasn't proud of. When I came out in high school, I saw the transformative power of being open and have since tried to make it one of my deepest values. Now, it's not so easy. I feel like when you're an adult on your own, you are expected to isolate yourself in certain ways, and one of those ways is to isolate your vulnerability. No one wants to hear about your deepest secrets because we all have ours and that's enough to deal with or because you're too busy shampooing your hair.

In New York, the opportunities for anything - good or bad - are amplified by the sheer amount of lives you're intersecting with on a daily basis. To connect with someone takes courage here, because it's embedded in all of our thinking to remember all of the other opportunities that are available to us at all times. There's a certain throwaway attitude towards people, places, and things (nouns) that you can adopt quite easily here. For the vulnerable population, this can be really scary. But I can say from experience, it's so rewarding when you do.

I joke around with my friend Courtney about being "myself... but not too much of myself" because we're both so crazy and weird that we feel there's a need to scale it back. As funny as it is, and as much as I want to do it, I know that I'm only hurting myself in the end.

This video served as a reminder to me to be wholehearted. I've met so many people this past year who I have grown to love and I have so many other friends who have never left me when they saw me at my worst. Knowing that either at your best or your worst, the people who matter will stick around, is what reminds me to be all of myself.