Everyone is going shit-on-the-walls crazy about Patti Stanger's comments on gay men and their relationships. I watched the episode of Watch What Happens Live on Sunday night and at first, didn't really notice anything unusual about what Patti was saying. This could very well have a lot to do with my massive crush on Andy Cohen and the childlike giddiness I get just from watching what happens to him live, or something, I don't really know. Here's the lowdown:
Patti is a professional matchmaker who is known for her no-nonsense, super frank and honest perspective on dating and hooking people up. I actually find her refreshing and most of the time spot-on. Most others find her mean, cruel, and a little bit traditional gender-role obsessed with just a tiny side of post-modern feminist. My final judgment is that she is seen as mean because she's being honest. While she's not always right in her assertions, she is earnest and being honest to her beliefs, and I can appreciate that. (Honesty = coming from a place of genuineness. Truth = absolute knowledge with no room for falsity.)
On Sunday's show, Patti repeated the age-old adage that gay men aren't capable or interested in monogamy. More specifically, for gay men, it will "always be open." She also did some pretty ridiculous things like complimenting a guy because he looked straight (since when is that a good thing?) and that it's not good to be queeny, etc. That stuff is just plain dumb and doesn't support my argument here, so let's ignore it. The thing about the monogamy struck me.
One thing that I both respect and get peeved about the gay community is this very issue. In my (limited) experience, I have noted that many more gay men seem open to ...well, open relationships and other non-monogamous forms of relationships and sexuality (i.e. group sex, polyamory, etc.) While I lamented this for a very long time, and still sometimes do, at my core I'm okay with it and even appreciative in some ways. I still struggle with the concept of monogamy as a principle (not a practice). I think it is a bit archaic in thinking, but I also know that I'm not someone who would consider having an open relationship. I try to be progressive in my thinking, and I think it would be hypocritical of me to exclude progressive sexuality from my worldview.
I hear and see so many gay men who are in committed relationships who have little systems set up for themselves so that they can essentially get some dick outside of the relationship. When I was on Grindr, I can't tell you how many guys had partners, were looking with their partners, were looking without their partners' knowledge, or who had multiple partners. My very unscientific estimation is that it was somewhere between 25% and 85% of all men on the app. I don't know, I've never been in a relationship long enough to get bored with my boyfriend or felt the need to have sex outside of the relationship. I mean, naturally there have been times when I have wanted to have sex with someone else (Andy Cohen), but I'm a big boy and I can differentiate between my wants and needs. At any rate, I don't know what those people's relationships are like or what works for them. I only know what works for me, and even that is vague at best. I'm still trying to figure it out.
I get why the thought of gay men not being monogamous beings is scary. We'z trynna get married, and so right now we must play dress up and act as "normal" (boring) human beings modeling heterosexual relationships. We are positioning ourselves to be non-threatening because straight people have royally fucked that up for us by making us seem that way for so long. I think gay men have a tendency to be just a smidge more open about their sexual habits, whereas heterosexuals could very well be engaging in non-traditional relationships just as often (if not more often), they are just better at the whole WASP-y, keep-it-quiet thing than the "loud & proud" crowd.
But let's entertain the thought and say that gay men are more promiscuous and less prone to monogamy. Why is this? (Spoiler alert: sweeping generalizations ahead) Is perhaps the reason gay men struggle with monogamy because we've all grown up without any sort of positive relationship model to follow? Is it because we spend our twenties and early thirties in a state of delayed adolescence: partaking in all the horny and slutty shenanigans that most straight kids get out of the way in high school and college? By the time we "mature," and seek lasting relationships, are we too old to really want to give them a legitimate shot, or have we trained ourselves to see delayed adolescence as desirable for an entire lifetime? Is it because we don't have parents/society breathing down our necks to settle down and get married and find the right one? Or, is it because we are men, and as men, we are conditioned from birth to be less emotional and less dependent on intimate relationships, so when two of us get together - no matter how gay - it's a shitshow?
I don't really know. I just like to ask questions. I don't have the answers. If I did, I would be Patti Stanger and look at where that gets you.
I can't help but think that by being in the closet about the true nature of gay relationships (as well as straight relationships and their quirks), we're doing ourselves a disservice. Patti Stanger might piss people off for speaking [her] truth, but at least she's talking about it. Honesty scares people way too fucking much. People seem to quite enjoy walking around anxious and secretive, quietly letting the psychological damage of withholding slowly eat away at them. The alternative to that is to just fucking be out with it, experience a fleeting feeling of discomfort, and then feel about 50 pounds lighter. It's like the world's best colonic without having your shit vacuumed out of your asshole.
So, what if gay men are more promiscuous? What if the majority of them would rather not be in a monogamous relationship? Is it really that bad?
It reminds me of the argument that states "being gay is not a choice." I'm always like "Yeah, I totally agree with you. I was born this way and now that's funny because Gaga wrote a song about it. But what if, for some crazy reason, I actually did choose to be gay?" Wouldn't that be just as okay as being born this gay?
Some stereotypes are just flat out bold-faced lies and not worthy of addressing (so lemme address: gays as pedophiles). Sometimes though, I have to wonder what we're really getting upset about. Big fucking deal. Someone with a lot of experience in helping people start and maintain relationships, from those experiences, came to a conclusion, and it wasn't politically correct. But is it a wrong conclusion to come to? Are we mad because it might be a little true?
Aren't we hurting the world more by pretending like it's not a real issue that gay men deal with on their quest for happiness? Just like some women have trouble finding a man who will be "husband material," aren't we allowed to have trouble finding a man who won't "fuck around on us on Grindr"? We can be different and still experience similar things. Stop dumbing down life for us, and especially for these gay youth. If you're going to tell someone that who they are is okay - then let everything about their sexuality (S&M, polyamory, fisting--God, help you) be okay so long as it's safe. There is nothing dangerous about open relationships unless one of the thirteen people you're dating is Chris Brown. Chill, out GLAAD. Chill out, America.
It's OKAY.
 |
| Patti Stanger, world's biggest gay-hater & possible drag queen. |
On Sunday's show, Patti repeated the age-old adage that gay men aren't capable or interested in monogamy. More specifically, for gay men, it will "always be open." She also did some pretty ridiculous things like complimenting a guy because he looked straight (since when is that a good thing?) and that it's not good to be queeny, etc. That stuff is just plain dumb and doesn't support my argument here, so let's ignore it. The thing about the monogamy struck me.
One thing that I both respect and get peeved about the gay community is this very issue. In my (limited) experience, I have noted that many more gay men seem open to ...well, open relationships and other non-monogamous forms of relationships and sexuality (i.e. group sex, polyamory, etc.) While I lamented this for a very long time, and still sometimes do, at my core I'm okay with it and even appreciative in some ways. I still struggle with the concept of monogamy as a principle (not a practice). I think it is a bit archaic in thinking, but I also know that I'm not someone who would consider having an open relationship. I try to be progressive in my thinking, and I think it would be hypocritical of me to exclude progressive sexuality from my worldview.
 |
| lolgrindr.tumblr.com |
I get why the thought of gay men not being monogamous beings is scary. We'z trynna get married, and so right now we must play dress up and act as "normal" (boring) human beings modeling heterosexual relationships. We are positioning ourselves to be non-threatening because straight people have royally fucked that up for us by making us seem that way for so long. I think gay men have a tendency to be just a smidge more open about their sexual habits, whereas heterosexuals could very well be engaging in non-traditional relationships just as often (if not more often), they are just better at the whole WASP-y, keep-it-quiet thing than the "loud & proud" crowd.
But let's entertain the thought and say that gay men are more promiscuous and less prone to monogamy. Why is this? (Spoiler alert: sweeping generalizations ahead) Is perhaps the reason gay men struggle with monogamy because we've all grown up without any sort of positive relationship model to follow? Is it because we spend our twenties and early thirties in a state of delayed adolescence: partaking in all the horny and slutty shenanigans that most straight kids get out of the way in high school and college? By the time we "mature," and seek lasting relationships, are we too old to really want to give them a legitimate shot, or have we trained ourselves to see delayed adolescence as desirable for an entire lifetime? Is it because we don't have parents/society breathing down our necks to settle down and get married and find the right one? Or, is it because we are men, and as men, we are conditioned from birth to be less emotional and less dependent on intimate relationships, so when two of us get together - no matter how gay - it's a shitshow?
I don't really know. I just like to ask questions. I don't have the answers. If I did, I would be Patti Stanger and look at where that gets you.
 |
| What withholding will do to you (note: this is seconds before the ultra-common disease: Death From Withholding) |
So, what if gay men are more promiscuous? What if the majority of them would rather not be in a monogamous relationship? Is it really that bad?
It reminds me of the argument that states "being gay is not a choice." I'm always like "Yeah, I totally agree with you. I was born this way and now that's funny because Gaga wrote a song about it. But what if, for some crazy reason, I actually did choose to be gay?" Wouldn't that be just as okay as being born this gay?
Some stereotypes are just flat out bold-faced lies and not worthy of addressing (so lemme address: gays as pedophiles). Sometimes though, I have to wonder what we're really getting upset about. Big fucking deal. Someone with a lot of experience in helping people start and maintain relationships, from those experiences, came to a conclusion, and it wasn't politically correct. But is it a wrong conclusion to come to? Are we mad because it might be a little true?
Aren't we hurting the world more by pretending like it's not a real issue that gay men deal with on their quest for happiness? Just like some women have trouble finding a man who will be "husband material," aren't we allowed to have trouble finding a man who won't "fuck around on us on Grindr"? We can be different and still experience similar things. Stop dumbing down life for us, and especially for these gay youth. If you're going to tell someone that who they are is okay - then let everything about their sexuality (S&M, polyamory, fisting--God, help you) be okay so long as it's safe. There is nothing dangerous about open relationships unless one of the thirteen people you're dating is Chris Brown. Chill, out GLAAD. Chill out, America.
It's OKAY.
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