Not so long ago, I filled this blog with posts of impassioned essays about my experiences as a gay man fighting for equality. To be honest, my focus has shifted away from writing about that for several reasons. Number one, Lady Gaga has entered my life. Also, I try not to use this a soap box for things so much as an avenue for self-deprecation and my journey into professional gayness. But really...
I've become, for better or worse, a bit disillusioned with the fight for equality and the hope I invested in things changing. It very well may have been my own naivety in expecting change to happen so quickly, but as time has passed and I've grown up, I've come to see things for how they are. I'm less excited about stirring change on a policy-based level than I have been in the past. Which isn't to say I'm not doing my part - I am, at least I think so, in my own way with my chosen profession.
Today changes things. And I believe it changes things monumentally. Like, seriously, totally, ohmyshit. It's like when Brit Brit went cray cray. I haven't been this captivated since she was strapped to a gurney and shit went all 5150 psychiatric hold. The Britney we knew would never return. She would come out of that hospital a changed woman. The Amurrica we knew has changed. Prop 8 got overturned. Shit has changed, y'all.
Not just for me, but for our entire country. I have come to be less than confident in elected officials and our justice system in standing up for what's right. It's not to say I don't understand why they wouldn't do so - there's much at stake, and in so many cases, it's much more complicated than coming out and saying "you fucking fuckers, gay people deserve equal rights too. Fuck!" But it would be so nice, no?
What happened today with the Prop 8 decision in California, in my mind, is what we have needed all along. It is a clear, eloquent, undeniably powerful statement on our right to equal protection under the law - specifically regarding marriage. I'll be honest - I am too exhausted from being excited to search for a link to the decision to get you up-to-speed, so visit my friend Google and familiarize yoself.
I'm so not one for legalese. In fact, I had to look up what legalese was before I even knew what it was for sure - but the court's decision is one hell of a read. The jist is this: you can't use your "icky" thoughts of gay people to deny them of their basic human right to love and benefit from the rights of marriage our country has set up. Those same rights that were only for same-race people at one point until a court decided that was bullshit, too. What this means, for those who are still confused, is that now it's on the books. There's no taking it back. A really cool dude, Justice Walker, took a lot of time to write a really thoughtful explanation as to why this is unconstitutional and why you really shouldn't pull this kind of shit.
Yes, it still boggles my mind how someone can think that my desire to marry someone with a penis really threatens their marriage. Yes, I still can't believe how some people read this decision and can't grasp the common sense of it all. Yes, I still know there are bigots. But I also know that now, more than ever, I believe in our justice system to truly provide us with justice. All of us.
I was real excited when I got the e-mail from a shit-ton of people about the decision. I was even more excited when I saw the Facebook posts from my fellow gays (and amazing straight allies) who exclaimed their exclamation! And I cried when I got the text from my mom saying there was good news in California. She told me a story about how she is organizing the catering for a gay wedding in Washington D.C., like it was nothing. Giving me random details about the "groomzilla" and how he sent her pictures of him and his partner, and how funny he was. I never imagined this for myself - for my mom.
I remember a time when I thought she would never understand who I was. I remember a time when I thought I would never be able to get married to someone I loved, and that it if I ever did, how uncomfortable it would be for my family.
Those thoughts die a little each time I get news like this. And my fears fade to memories faster when I get messages like that from my mother. In many ways, I'm spoiled by the hard work and the effort put forth by previous generations to create the environment that I live in now. I am so appreciative for the road they've paved, though in many ways, I still wonder when the time will be ours.
With each passing day, that time seems more and more within reach. This is not only a victory for my queer brothers and sisters in California. This is a victory for the future, as it will surely influence decisions yet to come.
But for me, and you know how I love some me, this is a victory for my family. It just hit me - I know my parents love, support and respect me for who I am - but, with every court that validates my rights, those courts also send a message to my family and the families of others that we deserve love, support and respect. And that we can be as normal as them.
As great as it is to fly your freak flag high, sometimes it's really nice to know that someone else thinks you're normal. Normal enough to qualify for the basic human rights promised by our constitution.
Yes, Wes - This is a big moment for us. I know you can also remember the surprise and shock when Prop 8 went through in 2008. I also was completely shocked that a place, California, that has always symbolized a free space, a place of expression, and a place of progress, would regress to a point that it destroyed hope for so many people across the country. I'm happy that your mom thinks you are normal. She should. I'm still waiting for a text like that one. We are lucky that there are people fighting for us from all angles - no matter how much we'd like to, we cant do it ourselves.
ReplyDeleteAs I said on the Facebook, nicely said.
ReplyDeleteIt's a truly incredible day for the LGBT movement, and I too have taken great joy in seeing friends, LGBT and not, express happiness over the court ruling.
After reading this though, I think that what I really want to say to you is this (and while you may not flat out say this, I'm inferring... so if I'm wrong, please excuse me): please don't ever feel discouraged for feeling discouraged.
It's hard, as we both know, to be so immersed in this fight, and feel, on a deeply personal level, every moment of despair. Things don't move quickly enough. People promise us things, and then don't follow through... because they were lying, because it's not politically expedient, because they just don't feel like it.
We have people... many people... who are working as tirelessly as we are to make our lives just a little bit harder. It's sad and disgusting, but it's the reality in which we live.
Unfortunately.
We have suffered setbacks, and we will continue to do so. And they start piling up. And it's easy to doubt that things will ever change.
And with that comes discouragement. And disillusionment.
You know me well enough to know that I am not one for optimism or... I don't know... the emotion that you humans call happiness. And so I get it. I get the withdrawing, the feeling fed up, the almost perfect pain of thinking that we're not getting anywhere, anytime soon.
But here's the thing, and it's been said by other people much better than I could ever put it, so I'm totally plagiarizing here: Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. The struggle is part of the reason that it's worth it. And we have to take as much comfort as we can in whatever victories we have, big (such as this court decision) and small.
So I visited Entertainment Weekly's website tonight, because I thought they may have an article on a leaked special feature on Lost's 6th season DVD release (yes, I am a gigantic nerd. I know). And, to my surprise, they had an article about the overturning of Prop 8. And, to my even bigger surprise, the comments on the article were overwhelming positive. Which was something I definitely did not expect to see.
There are small victories everywhere. And sometimes, surprisingly, they almost equal the big ones.
So please don't let the discouragement get you down. And I'm glad to see that you're back.
"Yes, I still know there are bigots."
ReplyDeleteWould you call me a bigot because I don't believe that people should marry their same sex but don't think a government should tell them they can't?
Honest question seeking an honest answer.
Hey Page,
ReplyDeleteI may be wrong, but in thinking of what bigoted means, what you think the government should do doesn't matter for the question of same-sex marriage. What WOULD matter is what you believe--that you don't think same-sex couples should marry--and what you believe about others' beliefs on the topic. If you believe your opinion is unequivocally right (and all others are wrong) based on prejudice, then you are bigoted.
I wonder if on wedge issues like this if any of us can escape bigotry completely. The logical part in me likes to think we can. But how do we account for an amalgamation of factors that compile to create our opinions? If part of thought is prejudiced and another is logical, how do we then determine the 'goodness' of an opinion?
Page,
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree with Nick, my honest answer is that you have bigoted beliefs. I would be interested in knowing more about why you feel people should not marry their same sex. Your intolerance towards us, by definition, makes you bigoted. While I wouldn't go so far as to call you a Bigot with a capital B, I would say you have a ways to come in your treatment of all people as equals - unless that's something you don't believe in.
It's difficult for me to engage with someone who doesn't see me as an equal, because our conversation cannot happen on a level playing field. You see me, or a part of me, as less deserving of very simple, non-threatening legal rights and because of your privileged status (you are a white, heterosexual male), I don't understand how we navigate a conversation like that without first acknowledging our power and privilege (or lack thereof) to make such statements.
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ReplyDeleteI can disagree with what someone does and still love them more than I love myself. The degree to which I agree with them doesn't change my love for them. My mother doesn't believe in God. I do. I love my mother like anyone loves their mother: I'd die for her.
ReplyDeleteIt's not about equality...
My belief for thinking people of the same sex shouldn't marry is based on my belief in the Bible...Genesis 1:27 and Genesis 2:18-25 and in the new testament in Matthew 19:4.
The problem though is that people use these passages to hate on homosexuals. This couldn't be further from what Jesus was and did on the Earth. Jesus has compassion and is love.
He says other things like:
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
So while I disagree with it I don't judge you because of it. I consider you a friend Wes. I don't judge anyone for the way they act. I don't know what and where they've come from...but rather I want to love you and everyone I come across in life and I do that by humbling myself and serving.
I very much appreciate the way you have conversations, Page. I really, really do. I do hope that you'll scrutinize your choice in words, though. You are, indeed, judging - be it me, or my behavior. And, I have to respectfully disagree with you. It is ONLY about equality, and nothing else. This specific issue is about being seen equally under the eyes of the law.
ReplyDeleteI have to ask, doesn't "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," applied to the situation look something like: Letting others have the right to marry as you have the right to marry? To say otherwise implies there is some unspoken clause or subtext that indicates "UNLESS you are a homosexual."
Universalized statements like "do unto others..." should be able to be applied universally without exception, if we are going to use them as guiding life practices, or use them when defending our worldview, right?
Page, judging the validity of someone's love over someone else's based on that person's socially constructed sex - the worthiness of that companionship to be recognized equally under the law, under our constitution, which in its 14th Amendment guarantees all of us that right of equal protection - is judging. And if Jesus warns against judging in this way, how are you finding a way around it?
Your belief, whether based on religious scripture or not, is based on the assumption or the acknowledgment that one relationship is not equal to another. This belief that my love and relationships are wrong in some way, or unequal, or undeserving of recognition (religiously or legally) carries judgment inherently.
Can we at least agree that you do not see my same-sex love as equal to yours? And when I say equal, I mean equally deserving of the same rights and recognition as your opposite-sex love.
I understand and respect your devotion to the Bible to inform your life decisions, and I respect that you acknowledge how it can be misconstrued to, as you said, "hate on homosexuals." But Page, couldn't I say that your interpretation of the Bible is equally as misconstrued - just not as vitriolic and hateful as others'? Besides, there are plenty of religious institutions that do not find any substantial indications of homosexuality or same-sex marriage as immoral or wrong or undeserving of legal and religious recognition.
In essence, what I'm saying is that you are using this scripture to defend your view of me and my gayness as unequal to your sexual orientation. Perhaps you use the Bible as a guide to inform all of your decisions and perspectives in life - which in theory, I think is perfectly acceptable. If this is the case, what happens when the Bible indicates that you should not, in one instance (of granting a right to same-sex marriage), do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but Jesus indicates in that statement that you should?
I am genuinely curious as to how you navigate those mutually exclusive statements?