why i'm a bitch about the word bitch

I didn't always hate the word "bitch."  In fact, I was always a huge fan of the word.  It was always bitch this, and bitch that and quite frankly, I couldn't get enough of all the bitches in my life.  One of my favorite people in the entire world, Tabatha/Tobias, punctuates every sentence with at least one bitch.  At the very least.  Sometimes, seven.  One time I called her up and I axed her how she durrin, and she said "Bitch, I'm just sittin' here eatin' a Kit Kat."

Something changed when I started working in the ultra-PC world of non-profit organizations.

And now, for a moment on the whole concept of politically-correctness.  I don't have a problem with it.  I understand it serves a purpose, most specifically for idiots being idiots, for people who lack self awareness.  I can be, and am, as un-PC as possible with my friends and those who know me well.  In fact, I often go to great lengths to challenge what is acceptable for conversation amongst human beings.  I love talking about aborted feti, erotic asphyxiation, racial and ethnic jokes, jokes about the alleged "Holocaust" and the like.  I will do anything for a laugh, and I mean anything.  Well, almost anything.  I will not kill a small child for the sake of a joke.  But once that child has been killed without my involvement, chances are I will make a joke.  The thing about PC is that there's a time to be PC (like at your job, where one generally knows their co-workers on a surface level) and a time to let it rip.  One just has to be careful whilst letting it rip to acknowledge their own privilege.  Otherwise, one might look like an insensitive ass, mightn't one?

So, starting last year, I really tried to filter the "b" word out of my vocabulary.  Somewhere along the way, it struck me that someone being an asshole had nothing to do with their gender, just like someone being an asshole has nothing to do with their sexual orientation, or race, or whatever.  For me to call a woman a "bitch" implies that her gender has something to do with her attitude.  And all PMS jokes aside, I truly believe someone's unpleasantness has nothing at all to do with their gender and everything to do with their piss poor attitude.

On top of that, I really fucking hate the "bitches and hoes" aspect of hip hop and popular culture.  I've never been a misogynist - I love my mommy too much - so I've never understood how objectifying women is hot or acceptable in any way, unless they do it themselves (and even then, it's like "hmmm.")  Objectifying men - honey, I could do that much more easily than with women and it's not just because I'm inextricably homosexual, but because men have, generally speaking, always been in a position of power.  So, it's nice to flip that power on its head and exploit the shit out of some deltoids and asses.

On the whole, (hehe) I've been pretty successful at stopping my usage of that word.  I'm not as vocally adamant about others not using it (though I am with my little gays) as I am with other socially unacceptable words, but I removed it from my jargon.  ...Until recently.  Now, I've gotten all confused and the bitch is back and I have three people to blame.

1. Lady Gaga AKA "Free Bitch" or "Free Bit" if you own an edited version.  Gaga clearly uses this as an empowerment term and since she's the gender that word references, it's kind of okay.
2. The Sassy Gay Friend AKA "Stupid Bietch"  I still never call a woman, man, or even a female dog a "bitch" anymore, but I admit to whipping it out sometimes when it's usage is funny.  Like, say, when the SGF uses it.
3. Whoever the literary genius is that composed the "Types of Bitches" manifesto you see on your right.  Seriously.

No, I don't have any real good reason to use the word, other than sometimes things are just funnier when you add a bitch in.  It makes an ordinary sentence extraordinary, and even a little sassy.  "I'm just sittin' here eatin' a Kit Kat" simply lacks the pizazz and bang that "Bitch, I'm just sittin' here eatin' a Kit Kat" has.  I wish it wasn't true, but it just is.

The obvious parallel here is the "fag" word.  I hate that word with the fiery heat of the lighting fixtures that shine upon Barbara Walters' face during interviews to conceal her deep, canyon wrinkles.  Which is a lot.  I never, ever, ever, use that word... unless I'm guaranteed a laugh and I'm in a place where I know its safe to say and safe to assume I'll get a laugh.  Though, I will say, I've used the word thinking it was safe only to be totally hated on for being an insensitive prick.  So, am I an insensitive prick, or do they just lack a sense of humor?  I can't say.  I just think back to when I went to an Amy Sedaris book signing, and I asked her to sign a book for my then boyfriend.  She smiled, opened the book, and signed "Fags. Amy Sedaris."  I mean, how amazing is that?

Of course, there are also the times when people would call me a "fag" with that same fiery heat of the lighting fixtures that shine upon Barbara Walters' face.  But those people aren't Amy Sedaris, and I am so far removed from that time that I can't even be bothered.  Still, it's not a word I use lightly.  Like I said, when I am guaranteed a laugh, or I want to shock someone, I will admit I'm not above pulling it out.  Like Levi Johnston should've.

Language fucks me up all the time.  I studied communication in college, learned all about being PC, about doublespeak, how to get what you want through conversation, and everything in between.  I also learned the fluidity of words.  I think the problem, for me, is practicing what I preach.  At the end of the day, I don't want any old Joe Shmoe tossing around the word "bitch" or "fag."  But I want to use those words... when it's beneficial to me...

So, bitches and fags.  What should I do?  Is it okay for me to "take back" my word?  And ladies, does it bother you if I sprinkle a bitch into my lingo every now and then for humor purposes?  Or... to empower you, as a free bit?  Let me know in the comments.  

Which is funny, because that implies that people actually read and comment on my blog.  You fucking bitches.