how do i get you alone?

I spent the entire day in the city today, all by my lonesome.  This isn't a first - in fact, I've been doing it a lot lately.  I usually reserve at least one day in my weekend to head into the city and explore.  I try to do one thing or visit one place that I've never been to before.  In all honesty, it usually doesn't work out, but what happens instead ends up being perfectly enjoyable.  In other words, I get lost and wander around the city.  I'll often come across places I've been before on previous visits or vacations, and I'm almost always hit with the same feeling: I can't believe I live here now.

There are so many dreams I've made for myself that are finally coming true.  One of those is clearly moving away from North Carolina.  Another is being able to spend time by myself and actually enjoy it.  This hasn't always been possible for me.

When I moved into my first apartment, I moved in with one of my best friends from high school.  She was a lifesaver for me in so many ways, and providing me with a social life and someone to confide in was most appreciated.  After a horrible first year of solitude and self-loathing at my first university, I transferred to Greensboro and moved in with her.  She was, and probably continues to be, the queen of social butterflies.  She thrived on interacting with others; always going, doing, seeing.  I loved that about her.  I developed the same M.O. and I'm glad I did.  I was able to create a social foundation for myself in Greensboro by going to all of the parties, seeing and being seen, and meeting new people.

Then, I met my first boyfriend.  Naturally, when one gets entangled with a significant other, one's social life slows down and bit and the focus gets shifted to this special person.  In my case, I had a rather unhealthy obsession with my new, first, shiny love object.  And he became everything, and his opinions, also everything.  So when he started sharing his opinion that needing to constantly be stimulated socially was unhealthy, I believed him.  He said it just signified someone who was unhappy with themselves, so they had to be surrounded by others to shift focus from themselves.

On one level, I think he is full of shit.  On another level, I see his point.  Of course, in some cases, that could totally be true and people who can't stand themselves need to be around other people and focus always on them rather than their self.  But it's just as easy to see that someone truly is cool with themselves and just enjoys what other people have to offer.  The way I know this is true is because I've now been on both sides of that fence.

It started when I got the balls to go see a movie by myself and stopped worrying what other people, strangers, would think if they saw someone in a movie theater by themselves.  It never occurred to me that going to see a movie isn't really the most social of activities to begin with, since you can't really interact with someone while the movie is playing, and if you do then you're just an asshole who ruins it for the rest of us.  Once I started seeing movies by myself, seeing movies with other people just never compared.  Well, other than Sex & the City with a group of about 15 people passing around several bottles of wine.  I've always loved movies, and seeing them alone lets me feel all the emotions that I want to feel without having to worry what the person next to me is thinking.  Like when I cry so hard I have snot dripping out of my nose.  ...Which never happens.

Of course, I live alone now also, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I can dance in my underwear and not get walked in on, which I've experienced and lived to tell about it - it's no fun.  I can randomly make weird noises and not worry about how weird I am, until I start to question if it was loud enough for my landlords to hear me (my apartment is basically the left wing of their house, and I can hear them.  Like the time I was laying in bed, reading, and I heard their entire Chinese carryout order made over the phone.)  I can be as dirty and disgusting as I want to be, until I think about how disappointed my mom would be in me and go on a cleaning rampage...in my underwear.  I can cook for myself and not worry if it tastes bad for someone else, because I know I'm still going to eat it...in my underwear.  And I can watch all the por--television I want...in my underwear.

And I don't hate myself!  In fact, I think I love myself more than I ever have before.  Because all I can think about now is how awesome I am.  At least, I'm training myself to be more awesome for my future roommates.  I'm getting all my bad cooking out of the way, dancing in my underwear till it loses its fun, releasing all the strange noises I can muster, all so that by the time I live with someone else, I'm totally at peace with myself and my weirdness.

I think I started being okay with doing things by myself when I was talking to my BFF, Mike, one day.  He mentioned, I don't remember how or why, that his mom would go dancing by herself.  I remember thinking how fucking awesome that was, and how much cooler my mom would be if she was that ballsy to go out and dance by herself - let alone if she would dance with anyone.  I became intrigued by the thought of doing things that we're normally so dependent on other people to do with us by ourselves instead.  So, naturally, I made a list of things I thought would be fun to try solo.  Things I've done.

• See a movie.
• Go to a bar.
• Go to a club.
• Go out to dinner.
• Go to a museum.
• Go to a concert.
• Go on a vacation.
• Go on the rink when it's couple's skate.

You get the point.  If you've ever wanted to spend time with yourself, I say do it.  And if you feel uncomfortable (which you will, at least for a moment at some point) ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable.  Then, you won't feel so uncomfortable.  Or bring a book with you - that always helps.  Especially when you're alone at a bar.

In all seriousness, there's something liberating about not being with other people.  I guess it's just an important thing for me right now.  I can experience new things, look, see, and feel this whole big explosion of new in my life without worrying about what other people are seeing and feeling.  I'm giving myself time with myself so that I can get to know what it's like not worrying about what others are thinking.  It makes those times when I'm around other people and worrying about what they're thinking a lot less frequent, because I know I'm cool with me and if they aren't, well - I always have me.  And I'm pretty awesome.