the wes show: nice day for a catholic wedding

So, there are times when I actually love my family. Those times rear their ugly head usually after I've been away from them for a while, but such is life. Take for instance, this weekend, where we gathered in Pennsylvania (my birth place) for a cousin's wedding. From the minute I arrived, it was non-stop fun. Mostly.

It was a Catholic wedding. I've never been to one before, so this was quite an experience. Catholics can find a way to make you feel guilty at even the most joyous of occasions. And also, it's quite a work out. Up and down. Thanks be to God. Peace be with you. Sit down. And you're up. Sit down. Forgive us our trespassers as we forgive those who trespass against us. Sit down. Stand up. Peace be with you. Amen. Sit down. Oh, fuck, someone's getting married, let's do that for a little bit. Back to praying. Back to wedding. Here's some holy water. Eat Jesus. Jesus tastes good. Anyone want some Jesus? If you're not a Catholic, don't even think about coming up here. You can only eat Jesus if you're one of us.

Apart from sitting next to my Catholic aunt, who was horrifyingly off tune when she sang the hymns, I had a good time learning what it means to be Catholic and get married. Apparently, it means you get married because that's what God said to do and you make babies because that's what you're there for. Sorry if you're infertile, God really fucked up with you and you should probably sail away to this nice colony we've created for you. ...And the homosexuals.

My favorite part was the altar boy who was totally unprepared. Seriously. He was in the background, picking his nose (not even making it up), with sneakers on, and you could see his boldly striped American Eagle shirt through his altar gown (I don't know the correct terminology, forgive me Catholics, even though I'm probably going to offend you worse later). As soon as the service was over, he put on a damn baseball hat. Look, I know you're being molested by the priest, but could you save your rebellion for elsewhere? If I was a standup comic, I'm pretty sure I'd be standing in front of a crowd about to turn on me right now.

Some more highlights from the wedding:

My father opening up the Bible halfway through, fingering through it, and then whispering to me, showing me the pages in the back (which were yellow), saying "I didn't know the Bible had the Yellow Pages."
The priest mentioning that God created man and woman to get married, followed by me sighing heavily, followed by my mom looking at me with a pleading look and mouthing "sorry!"
My grandfather brought to tears at the mere sight of me and my brothers all together. Adorable.
My mom introducing me to someone who was clearly gay. So adorable.
My older brother, after the service, coming up to me saying "Hey, so I have a question." Instantly, I knew what he was going to ask. I said "Yes, he's gay." My brother goes: "WHAT!? How did you know I was going to ask that?!" I said "I've been around straight people my entire life. You all ask the same questions." I was proud of him for knowing, though. And for being so cool about it.
The look on some people's faces when I told them that my new job was at a gay and lesbian community center.
Bonding with my sister-in-law at the reception over how my dad can be a total dick sometimes.
After the wedding was over, me saying "Jesus Christ that was a long wedding." In a Catholic church.
Taking jowling pictures with my family after the wedding. (Jowling is when you relax your facial muscles and shake your head as fast as possible and take a picture of it to see how deformed you can look. See below.)

Basically, it was a blast. I hate that I had to leave. Except I remembered that I was coming back to New York, and I didn't hate it so much.

Congratulations to Chris & Lisa. I really do hope you (like you're even reading this, and if you are, sorry if I talked shit about your wedding, I did enjoy it, just not the Catholic part) have a wonderful life together. Stay together. Not like you could get a divorce anyways, since yo' Catholics! AYOOOOO!!!