i'm good, i'm gone

Where the H-E-double hockey sticks have I been?

I just returned from New York City, where I interviewed for my first big-time, real job. As in, career. I didn't want to write about it until after the fact. Partially because a teeny part of me is scared to let go of the thought that superstitions may actually be real, and partially because I didn't want to make a big stink about something only to have it backfire in my face. So, even though I don't know if I actually have the job yet, the interview is officially over and things are out of my hands now, so I feel like I can discuss it with the world.

The job is for a Youth Services Coordinator for a GLBT Community Center in New York. Basically, I'd be planning the social activities and events for young people who come to the center and take advantage of its services. Basically, it's my fucking dream job. Working with little gays. Throwing them parties. Playing kickball. Making papier mache disco balls. Playing Monopoly. Listening to them whine about their teenage love lives. I can think of nothing more fun than that. And I'm totally serious.

More than that, I'll be going to high schools, middle schools and colleges and giving educational seminars and meetings with students, teachers, and faculty about being more sensitive to the needs of GLBTers in their schools and campuses. Again, my fucking dream job.

I've been applying for jobs for some time now. Most of the time, when I apply, I feel totally underqualified. I feel like I'm really stretching a lot of the time when I'm writing my cover letters and resumes. I'm like "Well, one time, in High School, I took a class on International Relations, so maybe I'd be perfect for GLBT Ambassador to Cambodia." It just sucks because I don't have much experience. And then there's the whole self-confidence issue and the fact that I will eternally sell myself short. But let me tell you - I've been young, I've been gay, and I've thrown some damn parties. So if there's one job I'm qualified for, it's this one.

Which gave me a lot of confidence going into it. I passed my phone interview with flying colors, and then was asked to come to New York to interview in-person. I booked my flight, made my arrangements, and was off. I didn't start getting nervous until I was actually in New York. I would just have little moments where my stomach turned upside down for a minute when the reality of the situation would hit me. My life, as I know it, could totally and completely change.

Those nervous moments were few and far between. I surprised myself, quite frankly, because I didn't expect to feel as in-control and collected as I did. My nervous moments were fleeting - quickly taken over by the feeling that this was an opportunity for me, and that I was going to do my absolute best, and that in the end - I'd be okay, no matter the outcome.

I feel like I genuinely aced the interview. I came out of it feeling very, very positive. So, I'm either totally delusional, or I got the job. Both are very legitimate possibilities.

I don't want to get too much into the details of the job, the facility, or anything, because that's one thing in my life I'd like to keep private. Just know that it's incredibly impressive. The shit that they're doing up there blew me away. The services they provide for young people, and GLBTers in general, is phenomenal. And the best part is that the state of New York funds most of their operation. That concept takes some getting used to coming from North Carolina, who just today, passed a resolution to honor the memory and public service of Jesse "I fucking hate black people and gay people and am not ashamed to show it" Helms.

I'll know by tomorrow if the job is really mine, or if I'm a crazy fool. If I'm a crazy fool, I'll be okay with that, because I genuinely feel like I gave it my all, and I'm better for even having the opportunity.

All of my friends have been incredibly supportive and helpful throughout the entire process, and if I was a recluse, I know I wouldn't have been able to get the job. The support, advice, and hours of listening to me blather about it have not gone unnoticed. I feel so lucky, and for the Southerners out there, blessed, to have unselfish people like that in my life.

I feel like this experience has really brought the growth I've experienced this past year full circle, for me. I've always espoused that you should follow your dreams at no cost, but never lived up to my own advice. Until now. Now, I feel like I can do anything. I've learned to minimize the critics and accentuate the confidence. I've learned that believing in yourself doesn't come without moments of doubt, but is strengthened by those moments and your ability to overcome them. I've learned that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Except replace Christ with Madonna.

I wish this could be one of those moments where I say "suck it, haters!" But the truth is, I don't feel like I have many haters. I feel like I don't have people wishing for my demise, and if I do, I don't know who they are, or they do a great job of hiding it. That means a lot to me, because it shows that people genuinely wish for my best - a sentiment that is returned to them.

I want everyone in this world to be happy. If that makes me an idealist, so be it. As B. Scott says, I've been called worse by better. I think we all deserve happiness, even if you're Jesse Helms, and if I can help people realize their happiness or what makes them happy, then that makes me happy too. And for the first time in my life, I'm totally confident in my capabilities and I can literally feel that the possibilities for me - for us all - are endless. Which is why I think I'm a perfect fit for a job like this. Which is why I [finally] feel like a perfect fit in a world like this.

Lykke Li - "I'm Good, I'm Gone"