the privilege and the struggle

If you're wondering why Tyra Banks pervades this entry, read on.

On Friday, for part of my internship with a LGBT advocacy group, I attended a seminar/workshop type thing-a-ma-jig that sought to explore how to talk about LGBT-rights with religious groups. More directly, we were concerned with how to gain the support of churches and religious groups in joining coalitions dedicated to equality.

What we actually got seemed to be an idiot who "researched" the issue the night before, Googled "gay rights and religion," printed some stuff out, ate a bowl of ice cream, watched Newsradio reruns, and fell asleep with chocolate syrup soiling his sheets. If you're thinking the reason that description was so vivid is because it's something I'm familiar with - shut up. The thing is - I've been to workshops before, even "webinars" where I've learned so much interesting, valuable and useful information about the movement. One was a Massachusetts marriage equality webinar, where I learned how they messaged in order to be successful. I also went to one with Obama's lead campaign advisor for North Carolina who stressed how important door-to-door grassroots canvassing was in creating victory for Obama in our state.

And then, there was this one. Without getting too bogged down in the details, what we had here was a straight man who had done very little research. He even admitted that he knew "very little about the issue." So, within the first 10 minutes, I just knew this was going to be a shit show.

I was right. There was a lot of shit and there was a show made of it. For his source, he brought in a blog article from a self-professed "evangelical Christian, stay-at-home mom and home school teacher," who made the case for why gays deserve to get married. Her argument was great in the way that she supports same-sex marriage and it was more than expected from most evangelicals who get their shit all twisted all too regularly, but it was full of sweeping generalizations and stereotypes. The blogger ended her lengthy case with an impassioned plea for her fellow Christians to "love gay and lesbians, at least in a way that they can understand."

This set me off more than Queen Latifah, Vivica A. Fox, and Jada Pinkett Smith robbing banks. I was hood pissed. Along with the fact that the article mentioned that marriage would be a good way to "civilize promiscuous gay men," and that it could save us from AIDS, itwas condescending, patronizing, and every other word that I can't think of right now that means so fucking talking down to you it's not even funny.

I often get very, very ...agitated (like Tyra "I was rooting for you!" Banks) when I see well-meaning (or not) heterosexuals who try to make the case for LGBT rights. Before I begin my tirade, I have to say that I know several straight-allies who are better at standing up for equality than most LGBT folks. These allies take time to understand the issues, listen, and learn from their counterparts. They are thoughtful, open-minded, yet vigilant in their stance and they are appreciated. This is not about them, though.

This is about the pundits, the Tyra Banks', the leaders of bullshit seminars. I know we have a long way to go, and that the struggle is dependent upon straight allies, but is it so bad to say... "Sorry, but we don't want you."?

Tyra Banks - Sorry, but I don't want you. You regularly feature LGBT folks on your show, and it's regularly a disaster. Stereotypes abound. Ignorant (again, great intentions) arguments for equality. Somehow making the issue about yourself.

I can't watch 24-hour news channels (or any news channels, for that matter) anymore. Not like I ever did, but now I run away if one is on in my vicinity. If I have to watch another split-screen of two straight people speaking for me on whether or not I deserve to be seen as a second-class citizen, I will die. I choose death because I've destroyed too many TV's already in anger.

I just feel like they do more harm than good. You're not helping, even if your argument is coming from the right place, if you're just reinforcing people's negative stereotypes. You're not helping if your argument is based on "these people didn't choose this lifestyle." You may think "isn't that true?" In some cases, yes. In my case, yes. But even if I did choose to be gay, or transgender, or whatever - doesn't make it any more or less wrong. It's a nice thought, and it's nice that you're trying - but you're missing the point.

Yes, getting legislation passed so that I can be seen as equal under the law is necessary. But once I have those rights, I don't want people to still consider me to be a promiscuous AIDS-ravaged deviant. Once I have those rights, I don't want people to still think that drag queens and transgender folks are one in the same. I don't want my transgender friends referred to as an "it," after they're seen equally under the eyes of the law. I don't even want to wait until I have those rights - I am demanding that people, gay or straight, be more thoughtful of how we want to be treated and understood. Is that so much to ask?

And I'm tired of rich, white, gay men leading the fight for equality. I don't feel like they represent me in the least, even thought I'm gay and white (working on the rich part). In fact, they're the ones who perpetuate this idea that gays live glamorous, beautiful lifestyles with disposable incomes who seem to be doing just fine without their rights. Did I just go all Sotomayor on you?? Maybe, but she has a point.

Remember how I questioned Obama on his campaign promises for LGBTers? Maybe Obama isn't even the one to blame, after all. Maybe, just maybe, it's the largest national LGBT-advocacy group.

LGBTers have been oppressed. Much of this oppression was created by white men in power. The HRC, for example, is a bunch of white men in power, and it's funded by white men in power. Some gay, some straight. Let me be clear - the problem is not the fact that these people are white. The problem is that they are out of touch. And the reason why they're out of touch is because they possess a mentality of privilege that so often comes with that skin color. That mentality, often, is not blatant and on purpose - but often, it is not considered. Once you think about it, you start to wonder how you got the privilege, how you came to deserve more than say, someone who is African-American, or gay.

I am a privileged white gay man. My family has not had to struggle, and if they have, I never knew about it. But I'm in the process of removing myself from that mentality of privilege. I don't have the answers, and I'm not perfect. I may not even be good at it, yet. But I've taken the first step, which is to realize what I am, what I'm capable of being, and how others see me.  To realize this, I had to open myself up to people that I knew I had ignorance about.  It was a process of placing myself in situations where I wasn't surrounded by others just like me, and by truly being open to them.

Sometimes, you'll make mistakes and you'll say things that are ignorant - but that's because you're ignorant. And it's okay to admit. Hell, it's best to admit it. The most annoying people in the world are the ones who aren't self-aware enough to know when they don't know. Part of the process of becoming a more thoughtful person is expressing your thoughts and learning how people want to be treated. As long as you stay open to that, you'll always be on a path of growth and understanding. I don't know how anyone can fault you for that.

In the meantime, we'll have these pundits, these Tyras, these stay-at-home-moms who think they've got it all figured out on our behalf. And they'll fight on our behalf. But they're not fighting the same fight as me. They're not working on the same goal that I am. And maybe that's why this movement is so fragmented. We haven't had one, or two, or even an organization, who's been able to concretely express what exactly it is that we want. [Or have we? (And even they are a group of 24 "big-wigs" making decisions for a collective movement)].

Truly - I want to sit-in. I want to sit in the front of the bus. I want to provoke. I'm tired of the pragmatic politicizing of my life and my rights. I'm tired of going crazy over the fact that I can't get married when there are people in the world who are getting castrated for rumors about their sexuality. So, I plan on doing something about it. What that is, I'm not sure yet. I can tell you one thing, though - it's getting harder and harder for me to be half-assed anymore. It's getting harder and harder for me to be lazy... to fall asleep with ice cream in bed. Somewhere along the way, those peaceful, gluttonous moments before I fall asleep have been seized with a sense of urgency, with a shotgun blast of frantic idea-searching, of wanting-needing-having-to-do-something.

The more I know, the more complex this whole struggle gets. And the one thing I do know is that I don't know it all. But I will always prefer struggling in the direction of progress than the alternative.