herpes

A lot of times, for whatever reason, I appear stronger than I actually am on this blog. It's part of the process - writing through my feelings as a kind of therapy to bring me out of my craziness to a place of resolution. Usually, by the time I'm finished writing, I feel the way I know I should feel - I just had to get there somehow, and writing does the trick. So, I'm really trying to be resolved and calm about this, but really, I'm about to fall out.

I know that other people's actions aren't necessarily a reflection on me or anything about me, but I swear to God - I am so over being made a fool. Yesterday, I learned about yet another ridiculous antic that my ex pulled on me while we were dating. One that I had no knowledge of. That relationship is like the gift that keeps on giving. More like the herpes gift, and not the Matryoshka kind of gift. Don't get it twisted - I do not have herpes. It's just like herpes. It might as well be herpes.

It's like, I know I made a mistake. I get it. I know that I was stuck in an unhealthy relationship. I know I was codependent. And although I really hate to complain - especially about the past - it just flat out sucks that it went on for so long. It sucks that I gave him so long to fuck me over repeatedly and it sucks that it happened the way that it did. It sucks that the relationship left me in such low-self esteem that I feel victimized. It sucks that when I finally feel empowered, I get a package of flaming shit on my door step from him. Because of his mastery of the art of prolonged deception, I'll get to find out about his infidelities, his disgusting fuckery for who knows how long. Honestly - I'm just so lucky to have escaped without an STD.

It's not so much that he or his current actions affect me. It's that all the people I meet know me in relation to him. Or know him, and know me, and feel bad for me because they were inadvertently "in" on his promiscuity while we were together. It's that now that I'm over it, I just need to be reminded, or in this case, educated, about what else he did. And I get this feeling of retroactive foolishness. How do I get rid of it?

Just the other day, I was grappling with the question of leaving someone in the dust for good. I really don't think you should ever cut someone out of your life. I've done it and felt the horrible consequences. You never know when life can end, and if you cut someone off, you'll never know what you'll regret from doing so.

Yet, I just want him gone. I just want to be done with it, already. I have, already, done a great job of standing on my own two feet in a world separate of his - but how does he keep wedging his way back into it? And while I try not to let him, I think because he's a spoiled brat who is entitled to everything, he feels like he's entitled to me... forever.

Well, you're not. Because I'm just over it. I realize that the way to living right here, right now, is letting go of what happened then. But - just so ya know - I'm categorically through with you, and I'll feel bad about it momentarily, but I'll remember the insensitivity you showcased throughout our time together, and I'll remember that you get what you give.

And even though I spent the last 10 minutes stressing out about you and the shit that you like to pull, those 10 minutes are nothing in comparison to the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades that I will live without stressing about you. Next time I discover who you fucked in what bathroom, it'll be only 5 minutes of stressing out. And then the time after that, when I find out who you e-mailed and what you lied about then, it'll be a minute. And the next time, I'll be like "who?" because the memory of you and what you pulled will be a blip on my radar.

A bug on my windshield. A cold sore on Katie Holmes' lip. A minor inconvenience in an otherwise charmed life.