kim lobsterdashian

Irrelevant celebrity alert! This just in:

KIM KARDASHIAN HAS NO BRAIN; EXPERIENCES NO HEADACHES.

Here's how I know:


It's called SPF, girl.

I get a lot of shit in my family for my obsession with putting on lotion after I shower, or get wet, ever. This is because I don't want to age, ever. Up until about 2 years ago, people always thought I was anywhere between the ages of 5 and 14. I miss those days. Recently, things started changing. In San Francisco, some ass guessed I was 27. 27!? I just know a 27 year-old (or, God forbid, someone older) will read this and be offended, and to them, I issue an Esquire apology.

I do have really bad dry skin, though, and I just like having soft skin. Is that so wrong? People like my soft skin. My Him likes my soft skin, too. He told me he did. He also said I smelled good. Which is no big compliment, because as he admitted to me last night, He farts a lot, so I imagine lots of things smell good to Him. Better than, say, fart. I told Him this was going on the blog if He farted on me. He kind of did, so I kind of put it on my blog. Sorry, Him.

I also get a lot of shit for not spending hours in the sun because, again, my fear of aging. It's like tradition in my family to spend Saturdays and Sundays by the pool in an attempt to become African-American. Granted, my mother has spent much of her existence in the sun, she still looks fabulous. Seriously, in first grade, we were supposed to draw a picture and write a story about our Moms, and mine said "I want to be like my mom when I grow up because all she does is lay in the sun." I'm sure my first grade teacher was charmed at my mother's very hands-on approach to parenting. "Give me more lotion! I need another Sandra Brown novel! Where's my water with 2 lemons!?" Love you, Mommy.

Naturally, SPF and sun damage are issues that my sun-loving family takes very seriously, so I have an intense fear of the sun now and an affinity to lotion. In addition to the neuroses, I also know to put on fucking sun lotion if I plan to be outside for extended periods of time. Apparently, the Kardashian parents dropped the ball with their offspring. In addition to not teaching Kim and her sisters about anything other than how to be privileged and get famous off having a robust ass, the Kardashian parents didn't warn them about what happens when you wear sunglasses and go into the sun without SPF.

So, thanks, Kim, for all you've done to make the world a better place (you know, your sex tape, Dancing with the Stars). You've certainly helped me by showing me exactly what not to do, yet again.