I get really upset sometimes when I realize I have no good group of queer friends to hang out with. I love my circle of friends right now, don't get me wrong. But a little piece of me dies inside when I go out and see other people living it up with good friends and fellow homo's/queero's that they just enjoy spending time with.
My gay wing man, Matt, left me for nursing school in Pennsylvania, and since then, I've had to rely on my fruit flies. I love you girls - and I love you for putting up with me dragging you to gay bars. You never complain, you never smack me in the face when I ask you, and sometimes you even put up with the ridiculous covers at some really shitty dance clubs, all because I asked you to.
But then I get into a conundrum. Drumumum. I love hanging out with my girls. My girls are (mostly) the only people I'll dance with. My girls and I usually have a blast. I don't want to get into tokenism and have gay male friends simply for having gay male friends, but when it comes to the issue of sex and relationships, I want to be able to talk frankly. I have done that with my girl friends, too, and they are troopers. You all deserve a medal. A little rainbow medal. A purple heart.
Part of the problem, of course, is me. I simply haven't done enough to try to establish friendships. I need to be better about that.
This is about as much "woe is me" as I'll get on this blog. But for real, why is it so hard to find friends who happen to be gay, who don't happen to want to sleep with you?
I think a big part of it is thinking about the mentality of where a lot of us are in terms of our sexuality. For the majority of gay men I know (myself included), turning 18 and going to college was really the beginning of being able to express and explore a part of them that up to that point, had mostly been repressed. Because of this, gay men have a tendency to treat being 18-21 the same way that heterosexuals grow and explore their sexual side during the ages of 14-17. Because of this, a lot of young gay men tend to go a little crazy exploring their sexuality when they hit 18, and this ingrains a mindset on us that all gay men that seem friendly towards you MUST want to sleep with you. That might have been true when we were 19, but as we mature, we also begin to accept each other as individuals first, and objectify each other less.
ReplyDeleteSo anyways, it's 4am and I'm rambling, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that as I'm getting older, I'm able to objectify other men less, and I'm able to make true bonds of friendship with other gay men. Granted, when I look at the number of homofriends I have in comparison to heterosexual men and women, the number is considerably less, but I do feel like I'm becoming less judgmental of other gay men, and less self-absorbed to think that they MUST want to sleep with me because they want to hang out with me.
That's really insightful, actually. I was talking with a friend today about that exact same concept - delayed adolescence, and I think there's SO much truth to it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I knew that last sentence might get me into trouble. That was a huge generalization, but at the same time, (and I'm guilty of it, too) there often seems to be this awkward tension of "do you like me or something?" that if it were brought up, would make either one of you look conceited for even thinking that.
Ditto! I love my girlfriends, I've always preferred their company over guys...but there are times that they just can't relate 100%. And then you're left with this ridiculous void that's impossible to fill because (a) you have failed to cultivate a single healthy relationship with a fellow homosexual and (b) any attempt to start a new one apparently means that you want to sleep together.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting, at least I can no longer feel like the last gay man on earth actually interested in platonic relationships with other gay men. :)
While that sentence might be controversial, it's TRUE. We certainly have a unique situation when meeting other gay men in that we have to be able to read people pretty well to gage intentions... which is sometimes difficult (especially when it's at a bar or club and alcohol is involved). One thing I've started to do is be much clearer in the way I communicate with gay men I meet. If they ask me if I want to hang out, I ask if they're wanting to hang out or go on a date. If I want to ask a guy out on a date, I make my intentions perfectly clear. I think that gray area can become a complete mindfuck that can ruin what could become a great friendship before it even begins.
ReplyDeleteOf COURSE he left for nursing school.
ReplyDeleteBTW- "But for real, why is it so hard to find friends who happen to be gay, who don't happen to want to sleep with you?"
Best sentence in the history of the English language. You're so Carrie Bradshaw with a penis.
So basically just Carrie Bradshaw.