standing in the way of control

I'm not an easy person to love in any sense of the word. I can be hyper sensitive, dramatic, stubborn and selfish just to name a few. Plus, I am hairy, a vegetarian (makes dates harder and I poop a lot), work for a non-profit (poor), I'm the world's largest awkward turtle, and I know almost every dance to every Lady Gaga song (problematic at parties, clubs, supermarkets that play Lady Gaga songs, etc.) I like to believe I have a multitude of other qualities that somewhat balance those challenging aspects of my personality, but it's the balance part that I've always had trouble with.

I'm a person who tends to live in extremes. Some call it a raging, undiagnosed case of bi-polar disorder, others call it dramatic. I call it PASSION, in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. People like me - people who live PASSIONATELY - can have a hard time balancing their emotions. Sometimes, this imbalance reveals itself in an outpouring of heartfelt emotion (i.e. baking chocolate chip cookies for you because I like you so much). Other times, the scale is tipped and what is a very minor frustration in the overall timeline of my life suddenly becomes not just tipped, but the tipping point.

Case in point: my boyfriend and I are very different. I am a PASSIONATE person who talks, talks, talks, talks, talks all the time. Let's talk about feelings. I'll tell you how I'm feeling. That makes me feel like this. Do you want to talk about it? Let's talk. Preferably, about your feelings. Basically, it's like that. He is different. While he is PASSIONATE in different ways - he is Cuban, after all - he doesn't talk as much about his feelings. This takes time for him, and he shows me how he feels in other ways.

I know that it is perfectly fine for my boyfriend to be the way that he is. I understand it, I accept it, and I respect it. In fact, I kind of like it. In many ways, it's for the best because it actually helps to balance my need for talking about feelings all the time. And then, at random moments, I stand in my own way of being the person who knows these things and is okay with them.

I see people who do this all the time, and I am clearly a member of that esteemed group. It's easy to look at them and think "why are you so fucking crazy?!" without realizing that maybe you are just as crazy. Or maybe it's just them. I don't fucking know. Against their better judgment, they stand in their own way. I define this act as doing something deliberately in contrast of what you know to be true or ideal. Examples: eating an entire cake in one sitting, getting wasted the night before a big job interview, or telling your boyfriend he needs to change when he might actually not need to.

It's complicated. I want my boyfriend to talk more, but I don't. I want it because I am selfish, and I know that it will validate me or invalidate me. These are the wrong reasons. At the same time, I think it's healthy to be more open. But I know that people need to open up at their own pace, in their own way, when they're ready, or they will resent you for it. As they should. It's a deeply personal thing, and all I can do is support... not demand. So, I stood in my own way and I stood in his way, too.

A long time ago, I came from a relationship where everything was always on the verge of breakup. If we fought over where to eat dinner, it was probably indicative of a greater problem and maybe we should talk about it to see if this is really working. Even if we had just had the best day. See what I mean about extremes? The thing is we weren't good for each other, and those fights really did indicate a greater problem but the nature of them - that I thought the relationship was constantly on the verge of ending - made everything worse. I take full credit for contributing to that and encouraging it. I was young and in love for the first time and dating a lying liar, so I didn't know any better. I learned from that and I took a step back to look at myself and how I exist.

While it was a relationship that forced me to examine this, I discovered that my behavior affects all of my relationships, not just romantic ones. I learned a few things about myself:

• I exist PASSIONATELY, so when I get in a fight with my boyfriend or with a close friend, I do often wonder if this will be "the end." I just get scared, because I like my boyfriend and I like my friends and I don't want them to go away.
• I am hard on myself. Yes, I fuck up. Supposedly "we all do," but Dolly Parton's charmed existence is one big life of never fucking up, so explain that to me. When I fuck up, I tend to think it will lead to "the end" of something.
• I have my cake and eat it too. I want to talk, talk, talk all the time until I don't. And it's usually about things that make me scared that it will bring about the end of the world (or relationship, or friendship).
• I am really terrible in emotional situations. When I am in a heightened sense of emotion (i.e. sad, hurt, or angry) patience evaporates and I can't just stop for a second to refocus or gain perspective. My friends know this well about me. This is why I so often shut down a heated conversation right then and there and ask to revisit it at a later time. Or...
• I don't shut down the conversation and I just roll with it. And what has started as a discussion over where to eat for dinner has now become "you have ruined my life!!!" I call this the "bomb" dropping, which is when I unload extremely minor frustrations on people all at once, since we're already on the subject of how much I hate them.
• Did I mention that I'm not easy to love? These are altogether immature, revealing of deep insecurities, and silly, but they are me. I'm glad I know these things about myself so that I can try, desperately, to be better. I thought it was important for me to stop talking about how fat Adele is for once and turn the spotlight on crazy me.

And so it's a constant struggle: what to do in those moments when I can decide to stand in my own way and sabotage this, or if I can forgo that and continue with the progress I've made. I can liken it to an alcoholic, someone who struggles not to go to Subway for lunch every single day of their life, someone who shops on credit while their fucking house is being towed away, etc.

I just struggle with not giving in to what I know is wrong for me. It's hard because I am PASSIONATE and PASSIONATE people can be REACTIONARY. For me, this means not holding myself to the logic that I know, and favoring a PASSIONATE (and perhaps emotionally volatile) response.

We all stand in our own way sometimes and we all sabotage ourselves. It would be nice to think that this is just something that affects us, as we are the ones who have to live with the consequences. But it really blows when it hurts other people. And the truth is, I've hurt too many people too many times by doing these things. There comes a point when you've come to conclusions about yourself, understood why you are the way you are, and are forced to reconcile with it or be damned. And maybe I'm just scared that this is the end of the world as I know it, but I am at the point where enough is enough.

So, here's what I'm going to do about it. I'm going to resist the urge to be hard on myself (#smallvictories) this once to instead remind myself that I'm a work in progress. We all are. God love Adele for trying to shed that weight. So, I'm going to try... really hard... to not stand in my own way, because so many times, especially when other people are there to be affected, it stands in their way too. And while I am a deeply selfish person, I also only want the best for you.