types of subway riders

This post needs no introduction, so let me introduce it. Since I moved to Brooklyn last December, I have had the pleasure of riding the New York City subway system (brought to you by the eternally reliable MTA) hundreds of times. Hundreds, you ask? Yes, I say, and I have almost a thousand dollars in receipts to show for it. I also have a few observations, which I shall share with you... Now.

Mostly everyone rides the subway in New York. Everyone save for Anna Wintour and this guy I dated for a half a minute who thought the subway was "bougie" and took cabs everywhere. What an ass.

These are the types of subway riders I've observed:

• Starring in Their Own Music Video Riders: These are the folks who always have their headphones in, loud enough so you, too, can enjoy the music that they are listening to. And they're not just listening. They are mouthing the words, nodding their heads, sometimes even bouncing side to side getting real HYPE like. Inside their tiny heads, they are thinking to themselves "I'm a hustla. This is what hustlas do. We listen to our music on the C train, and we get hyped. Then we get off this mothafuckin' train and we go to work at Starbucks. Hustlas."
• Rich People Who Think They Shouldn't Be On The Subway, and Let's Face It, They Probably Shouldn't Be Riders: You can spot these people, often women, by their facelifted faces. Sometimes, the botox is so much that it's hard to read the terror registered on their facelifted faces. Other times, it's as easy to read as Hooked on Phonics as they desperately cling to the poles (sometimes with gloves so as not to catch the germs, sometimes with hand sanitizer in one hand ready for the minute their delicate hands leave the pole) and frantically monitor for suspicious activity and/or packages. These women are the reason for the "A crowded subway is no excuse for an inappropriate touch/Sexual misconduct" public service announcements.
• Angry Assholes Who Are Angry Riders: Last night, I was on the subway coming home from a friend's apartment. Now, I was on the G train, which is a guaranteed shitshow at all times of the day. Today was no different, as I had to take no less than 3 trains in what normally takes me 1 train. I was angry, for a minute, until I resigned myself to my fate. However, this gentleman next to me was not having it. "What the FUCK." He would say. I get it, I totally get it, man. Let it out. Rant a little. Two minutes later: "God, this is fucking BULLSHIT. What the FUCK. Fucking ASSHOLES." The children in front of him stared at him, knowing all to well what those words mean when their lesbian mommies are having "grown up talk time." After a few short outbursts, I thought he'd feel better... a little lighter. Then "Fucking MTA can't route a train system for SHIT. I've got CHILDREN FUCKING WAITING FOR ME AT HOME."
• Homeless People Whose Homes Are The Train, So I Guess They're Not Really Homeless Riders: See previous statement.
• Staring Riders: These are the people that stare at you. Stare at you to the point that it's so uncomfortable, you'd rather tear your eyes out than have one more millisecond of eye contact. They stare at you so long and so hard that you begin to second guess everything about your hairstyle, your clothes, your skin color, your entire life. They stare at you with such careful concentration that you slowly work up the courage to say "...the FUCK are you staring AT!?" just as the train arrives at their stop and they exit the train, leaving you frustrated and then you become Angry Assholes Who Is Angry Rider.
• Avoid Eye Contact At All Cost Riders:  Always with book, Kindle, Village Voice, New York Times, or smartphone. You can spot these types by their unbelievable ability to never look up, no matter what is going on.
• Eat On the Subway Riders: These are people who think it is okay to eat on the subway. These are people who are in sheer denial that rats live on subways. These people are crazy people. Or drunk. Full disclosure: I have eaten on the subway while drunk, and I think I cried about it when I got home.
• "Ladies And Gentlemen" Riders: These are the subway riders who, the minute the doors close, announce in a booming and surprising voice "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR RIDE BUT IF YOU WOULD PLEASE OFFER ME A MINUTE OF YOUR TIME. [Insert clichéd sob story about job loss/terminal illness/drug addiction-with-hope-for-redemption here]. THANK YOU AND HAVE A BLESSED DAY." Will one day end up as Angry Asshole Riders or Homeless People Riders, or with a miracle... Rich People Riders.
• Public Performance Riders:  These are the people, often in troupes, who use the subway car as a performance space. These are different than the lazy, uninspired, unoriginal performers who "perform" on the platform. No, no, no, these performers are more special as they share their talents with you in motion. Sometimes, they play you a little Duke Ellington or play you a reggae-inspired mini jam session. Other times, they do some breakdancing and hit old ladies in the face with their feet mid-backflip. I, personally, detest all of these performers and save my love and pennies for the Mariachi performer who plays for me sometimes on the F train into Manhattan. He's so cute, and he dresses up.
• Tourists: You can spot these people in 2 easy ways: 1) Their subway maps or their intentional positioning directly in front of the posted subway map and 2) The fact that they get on your train, and then get off at the next stop and just stand there, confused as the train rails away. Helpful tip: Never sit where there is a subway map posted because tourists will always stand dangerously close to your bubble, trying to decipher the hieroglyphics that the MTA calls a "map."
• Jersey Riders: The guys are douchebags. Even if they're not technically from Jersey, if a guy is a douchebag, he is a Jersey rider. If it's a girl, she is a shade of orange only found on Jupiter, she is wearing thick, wedged, elaborate heels (or flip flops with heels in her fake handbag), a skirt that becomes a tube top when walking up the stairs, and water bottles. Can often be seen projecting judgment on others.
• People Like Me Riders:  These are subway riders who have, perhaps, gotten overconfident in their navigation and riding abilities. These riders are truly put to the test when friends and family come in town to visit, and they are often seen as Tourists by association, and often, under the sheer pressure of it all, fuck up and get you on the wrong train. These are people who feel small victories when they successfully can get from Point A to Point B in the midst of MTA construction madness. These are the babiest of all subway riders, as they will inevitably end up as one of the aforementioned subway riders. Or get so rich that they can afford cabs and cars to get everywhere.

What other kinds of subway riders have you spotted?