sharing is caring or something

I was going to have this be a post about "How to Be Vulnerable," but the more I thought about it, I hated how being vulnerable implies that you are more susceptible to being hurt or attacked. When I think about being 'vulnerable' in the human sense, I think it means opening yourself up and discussing things that are sensitive to you, not emotional warfare. I think we get so defensive about sharing our feelings because it hurts really bad (like a booboo!) when you don't get the reaction you want. So, we slowly close ourselves up to avoid it all. Let's call it 'sharing' instead. That just sounds nicer. And part of being a good communicator is making things sound nice.

However comma I don't think we, as humans, will ever not be sensitive about certain things. As with most things, the more of a habit you create for yourself, the easier it is and sometimes it can become reflexive. So, I'm going to paraphrase some things I learned in my ethical and interpersonal communication college education and some life experiences for you. This is not me telling you how to live your life, this is me telling you what to do with your life. Honestly, this blog is more me working out my own shit and projecting it out there than for you to actually take something away from what I share. (C wut I did there?)

When it comes to sharing...

• Do it often: Like sex, baking from scratch, and riding a bike, sharing gets easier the more often you do it. It also becomes more enjoyable. You'll stop preoccupying yourself with thoughts of the ferret-shaped mole on your ass, or your kitchen blowing up, or a car door opening and hitting you. You'll start making it part of your routine. It makes you more present. You get out of your head and into the real world. For me, my head is like a pressure-cooker, and the longer I keep something inside, the hotter and more volatile things get, and the nastier the explosion when it comes out. Think Dante's Peak.
• Do it well: Please note that I didn't say: "Do It Good." That's because in order to be an effective sharer, you need to be able to communicate your thoughts clearly and it helps to be grammatically correct. When I say clearly, I mean try not to mumble your way through a confession of infidelity. Fucking get on with it already and own it and put it out there, you unfaithful piece of shit. It goes for good things too: don't say "Well, someone, like, really, like, liked what I was doing at work and stuff so I guess they, like, want to move me up, or, like, something?" when you got PROMOTED. The word is PROMOTED, and you should say it just like that: "I got PROMOTED!" Nobody wants to see you talk yourself in circles because nobody likes feeling second-hand embarrassment for someone else, especially for something good.
• Do it with purpose: This goes hand-in-hand with doing it and doing it and doing it well. Think about what you want to say, who you're saying it to, and why you're saying it. If the answer to the why question is because you are seeking validation, then you might not need to share. Ultimately, you can't get true validation from other people because it will always be less useful and more shallow than self-validation. If the answer to the why question is because you are seeking a stronger connection, you're on the right track, baby.
• Once you've got your purpose, do it for the right purpose: This has nothing to do with The Purpose Driven Life cause I can't go for that mess. I really should have used "intent," but I'm too lazy to change it all so, fuck it. Sharing is simultaneously both selfish and selfless. I'll often tell people things because I want something out of it: I want to be closer to that person, I want to help that person see they're not alone, I want to to make them piss themselves with laughter, I want them to do the damn dishes, etc. That's the selfish part because I want something out of it - good or bad. At the same time, I also realize that I'm giving them something: a part of me and my experiences. That's the selfless part. When it comes to giving, you can really never give too much unless your intent is fucked up. We all know those people who share their insecurities about their weight while everyone is enjoying lunch. You know, the ones who are seeking approval and validation that no, they are not a fatass. Sometimes, the person truly is a fatass and needs to shut up and hit the treadmill. Other times, the person is genuinely struggling with some psychological challenges. Every time, the person is sharing for the wrong reasons at the wrong time. Again, I'm not here to tell you what to do, but don't be that person. Balance your selfish intent with your selfless intent and you'll give a perfect share.
• Don't share about your poop: Maybe you have the kind of friendship that allows for frank, detailed discussions and comparisons of your fecal matter. Maybe you're crazy. Either way, nobody likes to hear about your shit. And I don't just mean the brown (green?) stuff. I mean your shit. The undigested, still-formulating shit that you have working it's way through you about to be released into the world in a really dirty, stinky way. There's a reason why you don't sing from your asshole: it's not pretty. So, hold it. Clench that sphincter! Wait until you can share something and make it sound like a song and not a fart. I hope that metaphor worked. If not, it kind of gets explained in the next two suggestions...
• Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating: This is the one I struggle with the most. I talk. A lot. My little brother, however, is a near-perfect communicator in this way. He does not talk often. In fact, my childhood memories of him do not include him speaking, ever. I only remember him as a toddler walking around with a tupperware bowl on his head. And I'm so glad that my memories of him are more about him being a silent weirdo than an annoying loudmouth like I was. He's cuter that way. So, be cute. When you're hungry, say "I'm hungry," and not "I am simply ravenous at the thought of imbibing and masticating this plate, thusly filling my stomach with nutritious foodstuffs, thereby satisfying my crippling hunger which calls to me like a distant seashore calls to a ship." You can share without talking and should if possible. When you can read someone's body language well, you can be sure you have a strong connection. Though, always remember that you can't read their mind and that it's better to ask than assume. [Insert ass+u+me shit here.] Keep it simple, stupid. That goes for emotion talks, story times, and poop stories.
• Pause for the cause as if your life depended on it: Especially when talking about feelings, politics or religion. I can be the Poop person, especially when I haven't thought about what I'm going to say. This often happens when I'm confronted, or when I get into a conversation that I haven't sorted my feelings out about yet. Take it from me and a lifetime of word vomit: it is completely acceptable to say "I haven't thought enough about that to talk about it," or to take a pause to think about what you're going to say. If you have a pushy person on the receiving end, they might feel as though you're using a delaying tactic and that's because they know they'll be less mad/heated/religious at you with more time. And they are exactly right. It is a delaying tactic. But that's good for them and it's good for you. You don't need to talk about something you're not ready to talk about, and they don't need to hear your ill-formed thoughts. Sometimes, this will make the receiver angry, confused, or hurt. I have this to say:
• That's the receiver's problem, and they need to own that: Because:
• Once you share, realize it's not yours anymore: This is the most important part in being a good sharer and communicator: recognizing that you don't always have ownership over your messages. Once you put it out there, it's up for anyone's interpretation. So, don't cling to it.  Not to your secrets, sexual orientations, political ideologies, blankies - it's not healthy because in the end, you only lose what you cling to. We've already identified that when you share you want something and you give something, but you also get something: other people's interpretations of your what you just said. This reminds me of one of my favorite philosophical concepts, transcendental idealism by Kant. In the simplest of terms, Kant posits that human beings synthesize everything differently because there is not one true knowledge, at least not that we will ever know about. So, no matter what you say and how you say it, someone is still going to synthesize that information in their own way based on their life experiences and knowledge level. Clearly, we are not really all equal or the same. Perhaps in potential, but not in practice. When I realized this, I felt free. Communication became less about trying to get someone to see exactly what I was saying and more about sharing myself with others and observing the result. You may have a little Barbie doll and play with her, brush her hair and dress her up in different clothes and then share that Barbie with another kid and that kid will dismember her, beat her lifeless plastic body against a table, and give her decapitated head the Sinead O'Conner cut. Both are amazing and neither is wrong or right. Your life experiences taught you to be sweet and nurturing. Other kids' life experiences taught them to be playful and expressive in an oddly violent way. The Barbie is up for your interpretation, ultimately. So is what you share. Don't share to convince someone of something, share because you want them to know and you want to see what they make of it.
• Remember that nothing is forever: Everything in your life is just for right now. That should be incredibly liberating. Especially if you took my advice and stopped clinging to things. Yeah, I have trouble taking that advice too. But it's something to strive for, right? Like the Buddhists? Let's get a little wisdom belly too. This concept of letting go is easy to see with biodegradable products, Border's Books and Music, Napster, etc. Things come and go. What I think we tend to forget is that this goes for emotions, values, and ideologies too. You don't think the exact same things as you did when you were Little You. You could wake up pissed as hell at someone, but hopefully that emotion won't dictate your relationship with them for the rest of your life. So, when someone tells you a deep, dark confession, guess what? They might be having a real hard time with it right now, but chances are they'll feel differently about it later. When I first started coming out to people, I was mortified and nervous and so worried about what they'd say. Now, my sexual orientation is revealed for me in the clothes I wear and the faces I make. It changed. Be adaptable and receptive to change because it's the only thing that is forever. That and, if she can help it, Madonna's career.

Go, share. Tell people your deepest darkest secrets. If they judge you, kill them. If they love you more than they did before (they will), then keep them forever. In your basement.