What I'm referring to is a headline that is like the fucking bane of my existence: "Gay Seminar Upsets Parents." When I was 19, I worked at the Governor's School in North Carolina, which is kind of like summer camp for the 'academically gifted.' Which is basically like school during summer for kids who can't get enough school. I was a measly office assistant who did some interning-like things with the dance department and, oh yeah, gave a seminar on a book by Ritch Savin-Williams called The New Gay Teenager.
This book explores the modern trend of young queer kids who are willfully defiant towards labeling their attractions. It's a great read and I highly recommend it. My seminar on the book appears to be less enjoyable, at least to parents. You see, wha- ha- happened wuz we offered the optional seminar to the youth of Governor's School. Key word: optional. All in all, due to my (and my co-presenter's) overwhelming popularity and stunning good looks, a lot of kids came to see what this was all about. What transpired was nothing short of magic. A frank discussion on sexuality, labels, and our culture between high schoolers in North Carolina, where the word "fag" wasn't used as an insult. Following the seminar, a youth asked me for advice on starting a GSA in his school, as I anecdotally included that I had done so in the seminar.
What transpired after that was a series of MySpace messages (yeah, that long ago) where I offered advice to the youth as something of a mentor (though I hate being thought of as a mentor - it's like putting way too much responsibility on me and all the sudden I want to strip naked on an awards show and then wrap a snake around my neck and then shave my head all as 'fuck-you world!' expressions of rebellion). I digress. His mom found out he was gay, and thanks to her religious beliefs, went on a fucking rampage against Governor's School, the North Carolina Department of Public Instruction, and oh yeah - little gay me. We had, after all, made her son gay.
Now, there are a lot of things that I have an amazing talent and ability for: spontaneous backflips, spontaneous choreographed dances, spontaneous cupcakes from scratch, etc., but spontaneous making of kids homo is just not in my bag o' tricks. But you try telling that to Crazy Lady. What ensued was a dramatic fight (ultimately leading nowhere, cause...well, seriously?) and I was pretty much shut out of the details. All I know is I get a phone call from a reporter of a conservative newspaper asking me for quotes. I told him to suck it.
I realize it'd be a lot cooler if I actually did say that, but I didn't. It was something more like "Umm... I... well, can... I ...oh, gosh. Um... No comment?" And here I thought my first experience of pulling out the "No Comment Card" was going to come years down the road in my showbiz career scandal of 'did-he-or-didn't-he get pec implants?' Nope, here I was not commenting on some Crazy Lady's internalized homophobia against her own son, who, for the record, she made gay by birthing him.
So, that reporter, being the journalist he is, went on my MySpace and found a posting about the whole incident. Otherwise, I had remained completely silent on the issue which proved to be quite an accomplishment for someone like me. But there was my entry, where I stated in response to us "pushing our homosexual agenda on children," that yes, indeed, everyone has an agenda. And mine was to promote understanding. Oh, and apparently he wasn't buying the fact that I was an Office Assistant, because all reference to me and my position were put in quotations, so I was an "office assistant," AKA pervy guy who recruits gay boys.
Somehow, this became that I was using the gay agenda to recruit homosexuals. Because let's face it, that's what gay people do. Now, all I know is that I can't google myself and entirely enjoy the results, because I know that at least some of the over 3,000 search results are slight insinuations that I recruited a defenseless high schooler to the dark side of the gay lifestyle. Hidden beneath that stank are my real accomplishments that populate my search results: being a professional gay (you know, not having quotation marks around my job title), winning the state championship in gymnastics, working for a reputable LGBT political group, and then the esteemed accomplishment of sharing a last name with other people who aren't me.
Being a narcissist, I clearly think about this often. I've always wanted to be someone in control of his image and the perceptions of other people, probably because I grew up loving and appreciating Madonna. The control that I'm speaking of is not so much going to great lengths to project an image so much as being authentic. I think that being authentic - having my actions speak for themselves, not thinking twice about what I say or do, and practicing humility - is my way of controlling my image. I can always rely on "me just being me." As much as I love google, I hate that one, tiny, insignificant and blatantly misinformed article now shapes my image and I had no control over it because I foolishly said "no comment," and not "you're a fucking idiot and you can quote me on that." I would much rather be a foul-mouthed badass than a pervy "office assistant."
In my everyday life, I have the ability to constantly revise who I am. I have the ability to admit fault, to rethink decisions, and to share my perspective with others. Perhaps most importantly, I have the freedom to reflect upon my actions and come to conclusions and share those with others. Even this blog allows me to progress over time. Lord knows I don't have the same feelings I had a year ago about topics I've covered, and there's no one or thing holding me to what I've written because it's understood that people grow... people change.
Google's encyclopedia of our online existence doesn't necessarily provide us with these freedoms and abilities. What I said, how I acted, is forever remembered as written by the perspective of someone else - a stranger - and could alter how I'm perceived for the rest of my life. Why does this bug me so much? I think it all boils down to control. For nearly 20 years, I let others define me and now I can't let that happen. I'm perfectly happy to post pictures or stories of myself, my fuck ups, my triumphs, my ups and downs, and the like when I do it myself.
What I can't swallow is someone else trying to define me. Be it an "office assistant," a fag, or a homosexual recruiter. I've come too far to let that shit ruin my google search results.
Somehow, this became that I was using the gay agenda to recruit homosexuals. Because let's face it, that's what gay people do. Now, all I know is that I can't google myself and entirely enjoy the results, because I know that at least some of the over 3,000 search results are slight insinuations that I recruited a defenseless high schooler to the dark side of the gay lifestyle. Hidden beneath that stank are my real accomplishments that populate my search results: being a professional gay (you know, not having quotation marks around my job title), winning the state championship in gymnastics, working for a reputable LGBT political group, and then the esteemed accomplishment of sharing a last name with other people who aren't me.
Being a narcissist, I clearly think about this often. I've always wanted to be someone in control of his image and the perceptions of other people, probably because I grew up loving and appreciating Madonna. The control that I'm speaking of is not so much going to great lengths to project an image so much as being authentic. I think that being authentic - having my actions speak for themselves, not thinking twice about what I say or do, and practicing humility - is my way of controlling my image. I can always rely on "me just being me." As much as I love google, I hate that one, tiny, insignificant and blatantly misinformed article now shapes my image and I had no control over it because I foolishly said "no comment," and not "you're a fucking idiot and you can quote me on that." I would much rather be a foul-mouthed badass than a pervy "office assistant."
In my everyday life, I have the ability to constantly revise who I am. I have the ability to admit fault, to rethink decisions, and to share my perspective with others. Perhaps most importantly, I have the freedom to reflect upon my actions and come to conclusions and share those with others. Even this blog allows me to progress over time. Lord knows I don't have the same feelings I had a year ago about topics I've covered, and there's no one or thing holding me to what I've written because it's understood that people grow... people change.
Google's encyclopedia of our online existence doesn't necessarily provide us with these freedoms and abilities. What I said, how I acted, is forever remembered as written by the perspective of someone else - a stranger - and could alter how I'm perceived for the rest of my life. Why does this bug me so much? I think it all boils down to control. For nearly 20 years, I let others define me and now I can't let that happen. I'm perfectly happy to post pictures or stories of myself, my fuck ups, my triumphs, my ups and downs, and the like when I do it myself.
What I can't swallow is someone else trying to define me. Be it an "office assistant," a fag, or a homosexual recruiter. I've come too far to let that shit ruin my google search results.
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