how wes got his spunk back

I graduated from college nearly two years ago.  In May, I will pass that marker and probably experience a day or two of subtle depression at the thought of getting older.  And by subtle depression, I mean I will make a mix CD of songs that remind me of that time in my life, listen to it on repeat for a week, and cry at the strategically placed tearjerkin' song at the end of said mix CD.

I had something of an epiphany before I graduated college.  At least, that's what I'm calling it now.  It's strange - at moments when it would be perfectly 'normal' for one to freak out, I seem to possess a sense of peace and calm.  Conversely, at moments when regular people maintain order, I go apeshit and create havoc because I have nothing to be calm in the face of.  Basically, what I'm saying is: I'm cray cray.

One thing I knew for certain: I was in no rush to find a job.  I had absolutely no desire to find a 9 to 5.  When I thought of finding a "career," even in something I enjoyed, like event planning, all of my daydreams ended with the image of me waking up at age 45, unhappy and rotten as hell, pissed that I let an adventurous life slip away before my eyes.  There was no in between, not even an inkling that I might actually find a job I enjoyed and was passionate about.  For Fresh Outta College Wes, all jobs ended in midlife crises and became fodder for independent film scripts about unhappy people. Since jobs were out of the question, I made a decision that I would spend the summer in my shitty ongoing shittastic serving job saving shitty money before shipping off to Spain.  I had my heart set on Spain.  Mi corazon.

At my graduation party, the dreaded question came up over and over again like a bad case of herpes: "what's next?!"  I had my answer prepared: Spain.  And I really kind of believed it.  I always wanted to travel abroad, and I figured now was the best time.  I was young, relatively unattached (less so than I let myself believe), and fresh out of some Spanish classes and studying of Shakira lyrics.  Besides, I have a love affair with Europe.  One of those online, never-meet-the-person kind of love affairs.

As the summer rolled on, plans changed.  Somewhere along the way I decided that I would follow my dream of moving to New York City.  I didn't know what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, but god damnit, I was going to do it.  Still in the throes of a young, codependent love, I went up searching for a new life in New York City with my ex-boyfriend.  It ended up being a vacation and nothing else.  It also set into motion the ultimate demise of our relationship, but then again, so did everything from that year.  Desperate to get out of an increasingly negative situation, I called my mom and she took the eight hour trek to Pennsylvania to save me from my failure.

I came back to North Carolina with my tail between my legs.  I had thrown myself a huge going away party not even three weeks earlier.  I felt embarrassed about my poorly-planned, failed attempt at leaving the nest for the length of the car ride home.  "At least I went for it," I repeated to myself, knowing that I only half went for it.  Still, I wasn't freaking out the way I would have been only a year earlier.  I was calm, I was okay, and I knew I wasn't ready.

That fall, fresh from failure, I set myself into forward motion and never looked back.  I started taking a deeper look at myself.  Without the distraction of school, I think I was finally able to focus on the things that had been tearing me down over the years.  I moved into an apartment (paying my own way without parental assistance for the first time) with a friend who needed a place to live after her and her boyfriend of 3 years broke up.  I, too, was newly single and we called it the house that broken hearts built.  I literally shit my pants on the day we moved in.  Make of that what you will.  I became more invested than ever in politics and the lack of my rights as a gay man.  I celebrated, loudly, with friends when Obama was elected.  I remember hearing the collective rejoicing of Greensboro, as if the city was on fire.  I gave a speech at a Prop 8 protest following the election, which ignited the spark that feeds me today.

Perhaps most significant, I severed the tie between me and my ex for good that November.  This changed me forever and for the better.  I spent the next few months enjoying myself and getting used to what independence felt like.  I got an internship with Equality NC and started on the path to becoming the professional gay I am today.  I traveled to San Francisco on my first gaycation and spent quality, drunken time with my two gay besties.  I decided I was tired of the serving and bartending life.  Equality NC showed me that I could make a life out of trying to make life better for my community.  So, I began checking Idealist every single day.  One of those days, I found a job description for the job I do now.  I applied.  I interviewed.  I moved in August.

The year following my graduation was undoubtedly the best year of my life, and it was because I held myself to no expectations.  I fully realized that the world around me expected, well, the world of me, but I wasn't going to let that noise into my head.  I learned what it was like to go with the flow, and for me, that was a lesson 22 years in the making.  I fell in love with my friends, with my freedom, with my habitat.  Most importantly, I fell back in love with myself by removing the constraints I had placed (and let society place) on me.

Before I started my job in August, there were no horrific visions of suddenly waking up to a dreadful existence.  Seriously - there was a point where just the sight of florescent lights in an office setting would release the cries of children in pain in my head.  College was great - don't get me wrong - but it also was full of tests.  And more tests.  And relationships that drained me.  And jobs that I had to keep for money and grades I had to keep up.  It drained the spunk out of me, and I am a spunky guy.  I didn't need to go to Jamaica to get it back.  I just had to be me again, or at least figure out who that was and be okay with it.

Finally.