glambert the gross

I've been a bad, bad gay.  I kind of hate a member of my own community.  Besides Perez Hilton.  Of course, every gay should hate Perez Hilton for the mess he creates and rolls around in like a fat pig on a warm summer's day.  But Adam Lambert?  He's someone who is generally well-liked, as far as I can see, and you know, actually does something other than using MS Paint to draw jizz on people's faces.

My distaste for the Glambert started long ago, back when he was runner-up on American Idol.  Don't get me wrong - I don't watch that shitshow of a talent contest, but I have a need to keep up with pop culture, so I pay attention just enough to be able to comment on it.  Everything that I saw of Adam Lambert screamed "wrong, wrong, wrong!" at me from the minute I first laid eyes on that hair.  And that guyliner.  And those clothes.  God, the clothes.

See, the people who audition for American Idol are cute.  They're little wannabes from Nowhere, USA and they look all humble and ready for fame.  Then, something happens along the way and the show hires Rascall Flat's stylist and they give them all makeovers to look like country singers from 2001.  Don't believe me?  I don't know what Adam Lambert looked like before his makeover, but now he's like a modern-day member of KISS, and KISS has never been my cup of tea in any way, shape, or platform shoe.

The moment that I really realized that my distaste could be something a little bit more serious was when I first heard him "sing."  And by "sing," I mean screech like Screech from Saved By the Bell in a big "O" moment.  Which, I realize is really awkward, because Screech has a sex tape and that makes it seem like I have seen his sex tape.  I have not seen Screech's sex tape.  Adam Lambert's voice is annoying is what I'm really trying to say.

And then the American Music Awards happened.  Now, I am not a conservative American in any way, shape, or platform shoe.  But that was just offensive.  Grinding someone's face into your crotch.  Making out with someone during performance is tired (see: Britney and Madonna) and, more accurately, mouth-raping someone is an invasion of personal space.  Now, add Adam Lambert into the mix and it all just becomes absolutely terrifying.

This all begs the obvious question: am I a homophobe?  When I've thought about this [paradigm-shifting, deeply important] issue, I try to imagine if it were someone I admire and respect, like say, Gaga.  Or Madonna.  Would I have a problem with it then?  Or is it simply because Glambert is a dude?  I try to think of other openly gay male media figures, and there's so darn many of them it's hard to choose.  There's Clay Aiken.  He's just annoying, and not really "icky."  We also have Lance Bass, who is perfectly harmless if not altogether boring.  Neil Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight - both super adorable, super talented, and seemingly down-to-earth guys.  Cheyenne Jackson, the "straight-acting" steaming-hot gay dude, except for that whole musical theatre background.  None of these guys trigger the conflicted gay acid reflux that I seem to get whenever Adam Lambert appears.

So, why?  Why do I have such a hard time stomaching Adam Lambert?  Why do I want to throw up at the mere sight of "stomaching Adam Lambert" on my computer screen?

It's not the makeup.  I have absolutely nothing against dudes in makeup.  I'm not even above stealing one of my girlfriend's concealer sticks in an especially vain moment.  I even think guyliner can be hot.  Take Brandon Flowers, for example.  One thing that I do dislike is anybody, male or female, in too much makeup.  Like my dad always used to say, "the reason I married your mom is because she never wears makeup and it wasn't a surprise to see who I was waking up to in the morning."  I like to think of my men the same way.  I mean, for fuck's sake, Adam.

I feel like there can be so much cattiness in the gay, white male community and I hate contributing to it with my unpleasant feelings about Glambert.  I don't know what bothers me more - the fact that I feel this way, or that I feel guilty about feeling this way.  Here is a dude who is doing what more dudes in his position should be doing - being who he is without apologies.  Herein lies the rub.  Eww...rub and Adam Lambert...

I don't buy it.  It's one thing to be a big homo.  I should know, I am one.  It's another thing to use your sexuality to stir controversy.  Furthermore, it sucks that he feels the need to exemplify it in a way that promotes and continues a stigma of being taboo.  Mind you, this is not the "you can be gay, just don't shove your sexuality down my throat" argument.  If you're going to use the American Music Awards to make a statement about your sexuality, I'm all for it.  Just make it a statement that means something.  Mouth-raping your band members and shoving their faces in your crotch is a clear attempt to be "edgy," but is there really anything "edgy" about being gay?  Should there be?  In his own little way, he's perpetuating the thought that gay males are deviant, sexually aggressive and promiscuous (two guys in one performance - really?)

If I'm gonna keep it real, I have to admit that a large part of me thinks it's because he's a man.  I still believe that if a woman were to do what he does (and there are plenty pop artists who do - on varying levels - a Ms. Gaga could even be included), I would maintain that they are daft and lacking truth, but I know that I wouldn't get all angry about it.  I would just be a little bit more like "Meh."

I don't think this is because I'm some form of sexist.  I suppose that with women, I'm lacking some relatable qualities: our gender and our orientation.  Glambert and I are both men, both gay.  Shocking, I know.  I feel more connected to him, for better or for worse, because of these things.  And I realize how much the media affects us and our ability to differentiate between individuals and communities - you know, the whole perpetuating stereotypes mess.  Where the Grossbert differs from say, NPH or T.R. Knight or Cheyenne "Teh Sex" Jackson or any of those other easier-to-swallow gays (heh), Adam Lambert does nothing to help perpetuate positive stereotypes for me.  I'm not even sure if I feel like he has a responsibility to do so.  But as a performer who does things for attention, or to make a statement, or to entertain, there's real substance lacking there.  I'm all for his right to do what he wants to do, I guess I just wish he thought about it more because he doesn't... and the end result is gross.

What say you?  Are there any members of your sexuality community who rub you the wrong way, and why do you think it is?  Any bi girls hate how Angelina presents herself?  Or the Godga?  Any lesbians just can't stand Ellen DeGeneres?  Any straighties out there who just cannot handle Jennifer Garner?  (I'm right there with you, if so...)