hiring and firing

I am twenty three years old.  I am saying this as a qualifier, even though I am totally against qualifying.  Welcome to the happy world of contradiction that is my blog.  I never thought that at my age, I would have the authority or ability to either begin or end someone else's employment.  In fact, it makes me very nervous to have such responsibility.  Don't tell my co-workers that. 

Here are the things that I know: I can tell when someone is doing a good job; I can tell when someone is doing an awful job; Barack Obama talks a lot about creating new jobs; it is a "tough economic climate"; people really want jobs.

Here's the thing.  Part of my job is supervising the drivers for our big Friday night social events that happen every Friday.  I had to fire the 2 drivers that we had.  And now I have to hire 2 more to replace them.  And I have never felt more awkward and uncomfortable in my job ever, I think.  Other than the time that I thought my co-worker was hitting on me, but he wasn't?

When I was little, I was bossy.  I am basically the inspiration for the Kelis song.  And the Lindsay Lohan song.  But I like to take more credit for the Kelis one, cause let's just face it.  I loved being in charge, I was a natural leader, and I would take control of almost all situations and lead my loyal followers to victory.  Usually.  Either way, I was comfortable with authority, I gladly stepped up to the plate and took on responsibility when others didn't, and I never took it too seriously.  And if I did, I always had great friends to call me out.  Like Rick Ross, I was a boss.

I don't know what happened, but then I got a real job.  I could kick people out of the school play that I was directing and it wasn't going to affect their livelihood.  I mean, there was the one girl who shaved her head and had a mental breakdown, but she recovered nicely and became a singer by the name of Britney Spears.  In my dreams.  Now, I have a real job.  And these drivers... this is their real job.  And if I end their real job, that means they don't have one.  They very well may be shaving their heads right now, crying, asking God why.  Even if they totally deserved to get fired (which they did) - I am the one who has to do it.

I also play nice as long as I possibly can before I have to be mean to someone.  I have totally been the mean girl before (cut to: directing a musical in high school, middle school in general).  Usually, it was my bossiness that gave me the license to be mean.  And then something changed.  What could have forced me to reconsider my attitude?  Oh, the service industry.  Of course.  I had a series of just-plain-mean bosses, people who seemed to derive a sick pleasure from keeping others down, not to mention all the customers who were just evil for no good reason.  I remember thinking to myself "I have to work somewhere that my supervisor has my back, and doesn't have the back of every other person in this entire universe before they have mine," which was the story of my life as a waiter and bartender.  The customer --er, guest, is always right.  And the staff are a bunch of fucking idiots who can't get anything right.

I fear being a jackass now.  Where was this fear all the other times in my life when I was a jerk?  In fact, I am inhibited by that fear to do things that I probably should be doing - like taking a more authoritative stance.  I want to be a good boss, and I think sometimes I get too distracted trying to maintain a positive atmosphere that I avoid being negative in any way, and if I have to give criticism, I make a joke about it. 

Now, I have to hire new drivers.  This is where it gets really uncomfortable for me, because now I have to interview people, talk with them about the position, and ask them why they want this job.  I don't know - I have a really hard time wrapping my little pea brain around the idea that less than a year ago, this was my life.  I was interviewing, preparing resume and cover letter after resume and cover letter, searching far and wide for jobs.  I was dreading each new job opportunity that came up because it was another instance where I felt like I had to sell myself.

I have always been so put-off by the application/interview process.  This caused my father a year's worth of frustration and a year's worth of jobs that he thought I might like constantly being e-mailed to me.  What he didn't get was that I don't work that way.  There was no chance that I was going to bust my ass applying for jobs that I didn't really, really want.  Zig-a-zig-ah.

I was bartending, making great money, so I had the freedom to wait for a job that I wanted.  My intense fear was that I'd get a job for a job's sake and be miserable, like oh, say, a shit ton of Americans.  So I waited, patiently, for a job that I felt like I almost needed to do.  And sure enough, it came along and it was stressful.  I remember feeling so ridiculous up until the moment after the interview.  I felt ridiculous because I was putting so much work and so much effort to make myself appear desirable.  But that's the thing - I already knew I was good for the job, and I knew I was capable.  Even knowing that, I still almost couldn't stomach the whole process.  I felt so many things at one time: vulnerable, fake, cheesy, nervous, pleased, excited.  I didn't feel confident, which is exactly what I was when I saw the job description for the first time.  How did all of that go away and all of this self-doubt come in?

It wasn't until I was interviewing new applicants for the driver position that I figured it out.  When you're applying for a job, you're putting yourself out there.  And that's the thing - the people who are hiring and firing - umm, that would be me, now? - know so much more than you and they have so much more power.

Now, I'm not saying knowledge about the universe.  I'm saying, they know what this job is like.  They know what it's like to work here.  They know who sucks, and who is awesome.  And you very well could be a new sucky person.  They have this knowledge, thus, they have the power.  Then, there's little old you, asking questions - but not too many questions and not the wrong questions - to try to see if this is something you really want to or can do.  It can be totally humiliating, like walking a tight rope.  Of course, you could fall to your death and that's pretty humiliating.  You might even make it to the other side, in which, congratulations, you got the job! But everyone's going to remember that weird, skintight outfit you were wearing when you applied for it, and how nervous you were, and how desperate you looked to get to the other side.

The reason why I qualified at the beginning of this blog about my age is because that's where things get really uncomfortable for me.  All this other stuff, I can deal with.  Those are silly and minor.  But the part that can be totes awks is that I'm twenty three.  These people are generally much older than me, with much more life experience and knowledge.  I'd hope.  And here I am in charge of them, at the age of twenty three.

This makes me uncomfortable for a few reasons, and my whole struggle with pity is complex enough for an entire new blog and maybe even a movie deal, but I think it mainly has to do with "why?"  My questions genuinely don't come with judgment.  In fact, I feel like a toddler in that wondering stage where their thirst for finding out why can never be quenched.  Why do I have this power at my age and they do not?  What have I done "right"?  What have they done "wrong"?

I recognize that I come from a position of privilege - we've been there, done that - but I am consistently altogether mortified, wearisome, and fascinated whenever the implications of this privilege surface.  

My current position of [limited] power creates a dichotomy of wearisome questions for me - how much have I really done to be where I'm at vs. how much of it was because of where I was born, what color my skin is, and how much money my parents made?  Honestly, I don't know the answer to that question.  And I suppose that's why all this hiring and firing makes me so uncomfortable.