i'm watching the AMA's, so you don't have to

  Tonight, I'll be live-blogging my witty, astute and, of course, sexy commentary on the American Music Awards.  Don't know what the American Music Awards are?  That's not your fault - they're kind of the baby of the music award family: the Grammy's, which are the parents who think they know shit and are trying to stay hip, but they really should just stop; the VMA's, who are the Grammy's first-born and super cool son; and then there's the AMA's, who are the ugly stepchild kept in the closet.

7:34pm - Turned on ABC to watch the preshow arrivals.  Basically, I wanted to see if Lady Gaga shows up with Gonzo or Fozzie Bear.  And instead of a preshow, it's America's Funniest Home Videos, which may end up being more entertaining than the AMA's.

7:45pm - Scratch that.  The host, (Tom something?) is annoying me senseless.  Where's Bob Saget when you need him?

7:55pm - I'm excited for Janet's performance.  I feel like she always does either really awesome, or totally falls flat.  ...And the gays collectively scream at me.

8:00pm - She's singing live!! ...I think!  I like her better when she's thicker.

8:01pm - "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" My absolute favorite.  "Miss You Much," too?!  Now, if only she were killing those dance moves... She's looking a little Britney right now.

8:03pm - What is Gaga wearing and why haven't I seen her yet?

8:04pm - I really like her new song.  I always want to play it at the dance party for my little gays, but they wouldn't appreciate it's glory. :(

8:05pm - "Together Again!"  I love that they keep cutting to Fergie.  What's the matter, Ferg, is it like looking at your future and then realizing that it's actually not in your future?  Woah, who is the Michael Jackson creeper?  Isn't that a little inapropro?

8:08pm - Paula Abdul's mic doesn't work!! It's a Christmas miracle!  And then, Satan swoops in and turns it on.  Blast you, Satan!

8:11pm - Those are some epic pit stains, Black Eyed Pea who is not Will.I.Am or Fergie, or the other lighter skinned, scary one.

8:15pm - I love how country music fashion is always American Idol season 1 contestant fashion.

8:17pm - Oh, Daughtry.  Thank you for filling that gaping hole that has been in my heart since Creed disappeared off the face of the earth.

8:20pm - Shakira is stepping, YES!!! Ugh. I wish it was to "Did It Again" and not this stupid "Give It Up To Me," Lil Wayne snoozefest.

8:23pm - She really is maybe one of the most beautiful women in the world.  And that comment is followed by the cutaway to Adam Lambert nodding his head and doing ducklips for the camera.  Gag me.

8:25pm - Does anyone know if Chris Brown is at the show?  Not gonna lie, I would totally love to see Rihanna slay in her performance and have a cutaway to Chris Brown being an awkward turtle - or even better, shaking and crying.

8:29pm - I'm just going to say it.  Country music has no place at an awards show, no less on the American music landscape.  And I maintain my previous statement about country music fashion.  Being married to Nicole Kidman hasn't really done much for elevating his style, has it?

8:34pm - Kelly Clarkson is singing "Halo 2: The Sequel."

8:39pm - What the hell is it with all of these commercials and their love of strings all the sudden? Sprint, Amex, etc.

8:43pm - Best pop female.  Totally going to Taylor.  Totally right.  Smart move staying away from the actual ceremony where someone could, you know, bum rush the stage and rant about how much less deserving you are than Beyonce.  I see what you did there, Taylor.

8:44pm - A.Rod got booed (for dumping Madonna).  Jay-Z and Alicia Keys singing "Empire State of Mind." This song is my jam.  I don't think it warrants 2 award show performances, though.  And now that it's actually started, all I want to do is get in my car and drive to the city with my windows down and scream it at the top of my lungs.

8:45pm - Glimpse of Gaga! Looking at the stage like she's ready to attack it.

8:57pm - Kate Hudson, you are fooling no one when you try to inconspicuously cover your nipples.  Don't wear clothes like that if you're scared of a nip-slip.

9:02pm - These camera people make me nervous for Gaga's performance.  They blow.  On a similar note, Will.I.Am blows too.

9:06pm - An award and the nominees are Michael Jackson, Jamie Foxx, and Maxwell.  Gee, I wonder who could possibly win this one?

9:09pm - Old Navy, go home with your mannequins.  Ridiculous.

9:13pm - Keith Urban wants to kiss a girl, and he wins an award for it.  Umm. Okay.

9:15pm - Poor Rihanna.  She's trying her hardest, but trying doesn't change that live singing voice.

9:19pm - Oh, I can feel Gaga's anger at not having originated the laser-in-shoulder-pads outfit before Rihanna.

9:25pm - I should have picked a more exciting show/event to live-blog.  I apologize.

9:26pm - Is Carrie Underwood wearing Carol Hannah's design from Project Runway?  And...silver shoes with a gold dress?  Again, country music. American Idol contestant fashion.  I have never been so on-point in my life.

9:30pm - GAGA!!!  I was right about the camera people.  The only thing about Gaga's performance that I wish was different was more "Bad Romance."  Her dancing is getting better.  Choreography was tight.

9:33pm - "Speechless" left me speechless.  She is such a fucking rock star.

9:41pm - Kid Cudi and Drake side by side.  I could die.  What dreamboats.

9:43pm - I'm glad Gaga is done so now I can stop paying attention to this shit.  Seriously, what a boring mess of an awards show.  I quit live-blogging.  Unless something exciting happens.  I'll let you know.

9:47pm - My belief that this show is bullshit was just solidified by Tropicana--er, Gloriana? winning Breakthrough Artist award instead of Godga.  I wish Kanye West was there to call some shit out.

9:51pm - Well, J.Lo fell.  That makes things infinitely more interesting.

10:11pm - I'm asleep.

10:44pm - I've woken up just to say that they should have just given Michael Jackson the Lifetime Achievement for Everything Ever Done or Created or Performed or Thought Award, rather than nominating him for every category he vaguely could fit into.  Of course, this could be more because I can't stand Jermaine's face on my TV (is he made out of plastic?), or because I know Gaga will lose to him.

10:45pm - Back to sleep.

Of course I give up on blogging this horrible awards show and then Adam Lambert comes on and manages to gross things up to the NEXT LEVEL.  The only redeeming part of his whole "performance" was when he tripped, and rolled.  2 falls in one night makes this awards show worth it.