remember

I have very few real fears.  There are lots of things I'm initially scared of, but willing to try or open myself up to eventually.  And then there's blindness.  Scares the shit out of me.  Or going deaf.  Basically, losing any of my senses really terrifies me, and if I think about it too much, I might even start to cry.  But, there's probably nothing I'm more scared of than losing my mind.

My grandpa on my mom's side, my only surviving grandparent, will be put in a resting home within a week because he is suffering from dementia.  This came out of the blue for me a few days ago, when my dad called to let me know that my mom would be traveling up to Pennsylvania, where I was born, to look at homes with her sisters.  Apparently, my grandpa was hospitalized earlier in the week when he was found at 4:30 in the morning in another town, in a gas station, unaware of where he was.  This is the third time it's happened, and the first time I've heard about it.

My initial anger of not knowing about this sooner aside, I felt something leave me when my dad told me the news.  I've slowly drifted out of touch with my grandpa as time has gone on.  I went from seeing him several times a year to once every several years.  Some of my fondest childhood memories involve him and my grandmother at the camp that they spent their summers at.  We took that vacation every summer and I never got tired of it.  I have a tendency to get caught up in 'wanting to go back,' to certain times in my life.  Those summer and winter vacations to my birthplace, to spend time with my grandparents and other family, are memories I never want to forget.  And they may be memories that my grandfather will never be able to remember.

Before this all happened, I still possessed a strange fear of losing my memory.  I just can't imagine anything worse - especially for someone like me who holds on to things for too long.  Allegedly.  I know that diet and exercise can stave off memory loss and Alzheimer's for periods of time, but I've also heard that it's genetic.  I know it's silly to live your life in fear of something that you have no control over, or that may or may not ever happen, and I don't, but when it happens to someone you know, the struggle to not live in fear gets harder.

Sometimes, my memories are the only thing that keep me going.  When I'm sad, I just don't yet have the capability to snap myself out of it by loving the present.  Lately, with my increasing loneliness, I've found myself repeatedly flipping through old pictures with friends.  What happens when you cannot connect the picture to the memory?  What happens when the memories you rely on to bring you out of your darkness can no longer be retrieved?  What happens when you're a stranger in your own world?

One of his biggest jokes to me was "have I ever told you what Carol Johnson said about us?"  Carol Johnson was a family friend of ours from camp, and apparently, one time she said that we look alike.  So, for years and years and years, every time I saw him, he would say "have I ever told you about what Carol Johnson said about us?" I would look at him blankly and reply "hmm.. nope!"  His face would light up with the devilish grin that I grew accustomed to seeing throughout my life.

I cry when I think about it.  I'm not sure if I'm crying over the guilt I feel for losing touch with someone who was such a positive presence throughout my childhood, over the memories that he's losing, or over those times that we'll never experience again.  I know that life is about the good and the bad, and that's what makes us whole, but sometimes it just seems so useless.  Ironically, I can't wait for the future when I forget how this feels.

But I guess that's why I'm writing it down, because even though it's not ideal in the slightest - it's important.  And if I ever lose it... it can be found.