Last week, I had an intense dream about one of my ex-boyfriends. It's been a while since I've thought about him, let alone dreamed about him. It was a great dream. Great as in, it was as if nothing had ever happened between us and we were still in love before we really knew anything about each other. Plus, there was sex. Clearly, the worst part about dreams are that you have no control over what happens. Also, the best part about dreams are that you have no control over what happens. I've never been one to place emphasis on dreams or their meaning. I mean, in the 7th grade I bought a dream analysis book and quickly realized what a waste of money it was after I couldn't remember my dreams. To this day, I rarely remember my dreams, though I'm told by dream enthusiasts that I do it all night long. How they know what I'm doing in my sleep, I'll never know. But I trust them because they're earnest. So, when I do remember my dreams, I can't help but wonder if it means something.
After my dream, I had a rather odd moment in the morning when I woke up. I wondered what my life would be like if our problems had magically been solved, and he were living with me on this new adventure in New York. If I was in some strange adult relationship, where I had a full-time job, came home from work, cooked dinner, and lived with a partner. The fantasy didn't get far because it's so unbelievable, even with a dream in such recent memory to strengthen it.
I started thinking about how blind I was to everything that was "wrong" with him. I don't mean to say that he's wrong as a person, just not the right one for me. There was so much that I tolerated, for whatever reason I'm too lazy to analyze right now.
And now, as I browse through the social networking sites that will be the death of me and occasionally see the other ones I spent time being attracted to, and I continue wonder how I was so blind before. There is so much now that turns me off, in some cases, disgusts me, about them. Is this just a defense mechanism? My mind playing tricks on me so that I won't spend more time being attracted to lost causes? Or is it just time - life's experiences - adjusting your tastes, changing what you at one moment don't mind, but in the next, can't stand? Whatever it is, it confuses me more than basic math.
I'm bad because I can talk myself into and out of anything. I never realized I was capable of doing this until I lived with someone who did the exact same thing and it would drive me crazy. Not because she was bad for doing it, but clearly, because it was something I hadn't recognized about myself. And you most always hate in other people what is a truth about yourself. I think, sometimes, I have the ability of not exactly seeing past the bad things, but talking some way around it. AKA rationalizing and reality:
"It's okay that he smokes cigarettes because that means he'll age faster than me and I'll be the better looking one ...eventually." It's not okay that he smokes because that means he'll die faster and it won't matter who looks better. Plus, kissing. Ew.
"It's okay that he flirts with other guys while we're dating because he loves me sooo much that I won't have to worry about it." It's not okay that he flirts with other guys while we're dating because that's what douchebags do.
"It's okay that he cheated on me because he's sorry and he drove a long distance to tell me he's sorry." It's not okay that he cheated on me because um, he fucking cheated on me and you should be able to keep it in your pants long enough to break up with me before you have to go stick it somewhere else.
"It's okay that he doesn't return my phone calls or texts because he's probably just busy." It's not okay that he doesn't return my phone calls/texts because he probably is avoiding you because someone who truly likes you would want to.
"It's okay that he doesn't tell me what he's thinking, or that he likes me, because he just doesn't talk much." It's not okay that he doesn't tell you what he's thinking, or that he likes you, because how the fuck else are you going to know what he's thinking, or that he likes you?
"It's okay that he ditched me tonight because he probably just forgot we had plans, and the plans we had weren't really definite plans anyway, like, I mean, he didn't sign a contract or anything to hang out with me." It's not okay that he ditched you tonight, because contract or no contract, plans are still plans and I seem to be repeating myself so I'm just going to stop.
These are all things I've said to myself, and they all just reveal a frighteningly low self-worth. One that I still find I grapple with. I'm always willing to make excuses forsomeone I like. It's rare that I'll take such a stand for myself.
I've realized that my willing blindness gives these men (boys?) freedom to continue to treat me with less respect than I deserve. You can't expect anyone to treat you better than you treat yourself. I'm always so interested in guys that are quite opposite of me. But surely, there has to be someone out there who is just genuinely a good guy. Someone who knows how to treat someone else from the start - someone that doesn't have to be trained, that doesn't have to be told, that just knows. Someone who, when they make a mistake, they take the responsibility rather than find a way to point it back at you.
Someone who I can look back on and not have to wonder why I overlooked so much negativity and sacrificed so much energy on, just so I could rationalize it later.
I'm not desperate for this person to come. I realize that this has all occurred just for me to get to where I am now, somewhere that I can see.
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