a straight's guide to gay etiquette

Just a few tips. Don't take it personally, unless you're someone who does it, in which case, don't get mad at me for pointing out what you fuck up at. Here are some things which could be considered offensive to some gay people (just the self-respecting ones):

• "You look really gay." The other day, I wore a yellow polo shirt and purple shorts. I looked good. I didn't look gay. If gay is synonymous with good in the fashion world, that's fine, but why wouldn't you just say "ya look good, honey"??
• My little brother, upon seeing said outfit reveal, was like "Wow. You're really gay." It's moments like these where every single gay behavior I've ever had (which would be sex, considering that being gay fundamentally means I like to have sex with men) flashes through my mind and I just want to be like, "Oh, you have no idea. Did I tell you about the time with the champagne bottle...?" (This is not true, but if you've seen Bruno, you know how it is a reality for him.) I get confused by these proclamations. What do I say to them? "Yes, and I've been acknowledging it since my sophomore year of high school." Or do I directly answer the fact that being "really gay" is worthy of striking awe in someone (see: "Wow") or that being gay is just not enough, I have to be "really gay." The whole quip just reeks of negativity, but I don't really expect more out of my brother.
• "It's okay if you're gay, just don't shove it down my throat." Obviously, I'm not going to shove anything down the throat of a straight person. That defeats the purpose of being gay. When you say that specifically, more than being offensive, you're simply revealing your own prejudice. I've lived 23 years with heterosexuality "shoved down my throat." It's everywhere. So, if me playing Lady GaGa at ear drum-shattering decibels in my car bothers you as a flagrant display of my sexuality, I think you can handle those 10 seconds that we sit next to each other at a stoplight. And if you can't, why don't you point that flashlight right back at yourself and find out what makes you so uncomfortable about "flamers"?
• I've said this before on my blog, but a "faggot" is not the term for an "annoying gay person." I love the defense "not all gay people are faggots, just the obnoxious ones." These might be the same people to atest that "nigger" is just a word for an "ignorant black person." Um, no. An ignorant black person is an ignorant person. Their skin color really is not the issue. Just like if I'm annoying, it's not coupled with my being gay that makes me extra super annoying. Or maybe it is. If it is, get your shit together and work out why you think being gay is annoying cause it ain't my problem.
• "Which one of you takes it?" I can't tell you how many times I've been asked this. I don't even feel the need to expand upon my point because it's horribly offensive any way you look at it.
• Making fun of a straight guy for wearing something "gay" or for not acing the macho masculinity test. When you make fun of someone who's straight and your insult is that they might not be, as if there's something wrong with that, that's a problem. And, sorry, buddy, that they're making fun of you, but if you're insulted by their comments and not just confused and bothered by the offensiveness, then you're in the wrong too, probably. It is not wrong to be gay, so stop implying it. Another non-gay example is when people often mistake me for being latino or hispanic, especially in the summer and they say "Are you Mexican?" I say "No." They say "Oh! I'm sorry!" Are you sorry because it's bad that you thought I was that ethnicity? Or because you casually group all hispanics into the group of "Mexicans"?
  
• "They didn't choose to be gay." This is the most well-meaning of anything I've said here (besides that endearing "who takes it up the butt" question), but it's also kind of offensive. I appreciate you defending me and everything, but inherent in that defense is that there's something off or wrong about homosexuality. What if I did choose it? Would it still be okay?
• When you refer to a transgender person as an "it." Especially if I've just acknowledged the gender they identify with, and you continue to acknowledge them as their former gender, or worse - "it." They are human beings, people, not inanimate things.
• "I just don't get that whole transgender thing." This statement is not inherently offensive. In fact, it could be a really great thing for someone to just come out and admit. However, when you say it and your face is all scrunched like Renee Zellweger after eating a lemon (which is all the time), then it's a little offensive. It's like you're actually saying "I just don't get that whole transgender thing. EWWWW!" You get points for acknowledging your own ignorance, but you get a penalty for being a dick about it.
• If you're not gay, don't do the gay lisp. We don't all have the lisp, and those of us that do don't think it's funny when you do. Trust and believe, I could very well put my animated voice away and lower it a few octaves to avoid the occasional "is that a woman speaking?" looks, but then I'd be hiding part of who I am. Plus, I don't really know how low my voice can go and I'm not Mariah Carey so don't make me try because I will fail.
  

My friends on Twitter gave me a few more good ones! Here they are:

• It's rude to ask every single person EXCEPT you what your sexuality is, especially at work. 1) It's none of your business if I haven't already told you. 2) Why don't you just ask me, if it's that important to you? The whole not feeling comfortable enough to ask someone what their sexuality is definitively adds to the stigma and whole general "wrongness" that people feel about homosexuality. If it wasn't an issue, you wouldn't ask, or you wouldn't be scared to ask. So, don't make it one. (Thanks Mikey!)
  
• If you're at a gay bar, chances are very, very likely that we know you're straight. If it's not the uncomfortable look on your face, then it's the way you jump whenever someone comes near you. Also - don't flatter yourself by thinking that we just cannot possibly resist the urge to make a move on you. We can, and we do. Daily. Hourly. Every second. I don't want to be hate crimed just as much as you don't want to go to jail for the rest of your life, so let's gay club in harmony. (Thanks Alex!)
• It is absolutely rude to ask "Which one of you is the man?" This goes to both gays and lesbians. In the case of us gays, we're clearly both men. And if you're asking a lesbian, they're both women, so just stop. So if you're asking who is the dominant, who is the submissive, please see what I said before about asking who takes it up the butt. Nunya. It may come as a surprise to you, but not all people in relationships subscribe to the hetero roles of "man and woman." Just like some heteros do. What a fancy concept! (Thanks Cody!)

So, the common theme here seems to be just not thinking about things before you release them into the world. Don't get me wrong, I offend people all the time, and I'm aware that it is a result of me not being thoughtful of how people feel about certain things. And it's not like if you're an offender, you can't just say "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that it was offensive. I do now, though, and I'm going to be better about it." You can! And you should! I guarantee you it's better than trying to explain or rationalize your way out of it because those will all be dead-end arguments. End of story, we've moved on, and life is good.

Enough about me, what about you?! Heard any offensive things lately that people just don't get that is offensive? Share in the comments!