goodbye

Last Thursday was my going away party. My fabulous co-workers at the restaurant/bar I work at threw me a party! Originally, it was supposed to be a surprise, but like all good surprises, I ruin them with my anal retentiveness. You see, I went to my manager and said "Hey! Do you...um.. maybe...ever... um... do private parties?!" She looked at me with a face that had "Oh, you fucker" written all over it. I quickly retracted my question and told her that I'd find somewhere else, no big deal. Then she let out a big sigh, and told me they were throwing me one. I've always wanted a surprise party, but never let anyone throw one for me because I already started planning all of my parties years ago due to said anal retentiveness. My heart was touched, though. And that was before the party even happened.

I'm honestly speechless. Okay, not really speechless, but every time I think about it, I begin to cry and I can't speak so much as make incoherent noises that scare small children and animals. Seeing my dear friends all together in one spot was overwhelming. I couldn't spend too much time with any one friend because it all became too much and it all became too real.

I've written off this place so much recently, and for some good reasons. But I forgot that there are so many people here who I completely love, respect and admire. I just suddenly realized that I won't be able to take any of this for granted anymore, and I don't know what I'm going to do. It feels like a fight or flight situation, and big surprise here - all I want to do is cry.

These people, and the memories I've made with them, mean so much to me and represent such an important time in my life. This has been the ultimate transition, and I've met them all at various points throughout this process, and they've stuck by me for some reason. And I haven't always been an easy person to stick by. I'm not just a person who makes mistakes. Like with most things in my life, I do it big. I don't make little mistakes, I make big ones. But there they were on Thursday - my friends - without the past in present mind.

I'm going to miss the time when we ran from the "cops" at the party on Walker and I jumped over a fence only to slam my head on something sharp (I was drunk, I don't remember what) and cut it open and then proceed to spend the rest of the evening on repeat with the phrases "Oh my Godddd. Am I gonna die?" I'm going to miss my ridiculous theme parties and the trips to Cracker Barrell with Lane and the gang after long nights. I already do miss our heart to hearts on religion, love, friendship. I miss that house on Walker. I'm going to miss all the straight boys I used to party with and the fact that who I was was never an issue for them, and all of the absolutely crazy nights we all had. I'm going to miss the time Kyle got on the damn bar at Q Lounge and danced, and most other times at Q Lounge, come to think of it. I miss the friends who have already flown away (B, A, M, C, R). I'm going to miss working at Liberty Oak with such fantastic people who make me laugh, warm my heart, and support me beyond compare. I'm not going to miss Lucky 32, but I do miss the people and the fun we used to have, like the time I told someone off only to turn around and slip and bust my ass (how's that for proving a point), or the time when Tobias broke something (try 1,000 times), or the times when Sheree and I would yell "Bobby Brown!" back and forth, or how I would stick grapes in my mouth to become the Grinch. I'm going to miss Guilford College and the people who were so fucking sweet to me there. I'm going to miss rolling with Alexis; I still can't believe we did that and how much fun it was. The out of control parties at the Britt's house on several occasions and the wackiness that followed. Flying high in the car with Sarah and Joe and Brantley and listening to music. Delightful evenings with Genevieve and Camille. The attic in my old house. The Halloween party when I was Gwen Stefani in drag and ended up crying on an air conditioner. Seriously sucked at the time, but how fucking hilarious is that? Tobias vogueing at the Q Lounge, Tobias stealing my car, Tobias being Tabatha. Recent nights at Cafe Europa in great company, and of course dancing - always dancing like a fool. I've split 3 pairs of pants open in this city alone solely through dancing. I'd say I've done well.

More than those silly memories, which are incredible, I'm going to miss those moments with people when we were connected. When I was younger, I used to be terrified that I wouldn't ever be capable of loving. I remember conversations with Courtney in high school, asking her if she thought I was a sociopath because I never liked anyone who liked me. Of course, I was thinking about a man then, but I've opened my view of love to be more inclusive of people, in general. These past few years in Greensboro have shown me what love really is, and that I am indeed capable of feeling it.

Love is the moment when you're with someone, sharing yourself in a way you've never done before because that person makes you feel like you can. This can be through words, through being able to look someone in the eye, even, without flinching, it can be through more... physical means. There's a handful of those moments in my life, and the vast majority of them come from experiences in this town, with these people. I hope these people know who they are and how much they have meant to me, and whether we share ourselves with each other in that way still is unimportant - we did at one point, and it shaped us. I am so fortunate to have had the chance. I am so fortunate to have felt these things with these people.

My world will never be the same.