the punchline

This is part of a two-part post party. Part part. Part one is the set up, and this is the punchline. So, don't fuck up the punchline and read the set up first!

I've made a decision to stop drinking. I have effectively proved to myself that I don't know my limit and that I have a problem with it. I don't know why it suddenly just clicked, but it's been a process. I don't know if I started to realize it when I did a backflip in a club in San Francisco and landed on my head, the time when I peed myself, or the time when -no, nevermind ...I can't remember because I drank too much.

So you probably have a few questions. I've already answered them for you!

Q: Do you drink, like, every night? (You know you would have said "like," don't try to front.)
A: Nope, I sure don't. I drink a few nights out of the week.

Q: So, like, how do you have a problem, then?
A: In my opinion, it's a matter of control. Do I get out of control when I'm drunk? Yes. Do I not know my limit? No, I don't. Does it negatively affect my life? Yes, yes it does. When something is negatively affecting your day-to-day life, I'd say it's a problem.

Q: So, you're like, an alcoholic?
A: Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. I don't feel like I have a physical dependency on the substance, but I do know that I'm tired of what it's done to me and the people I care about. I know that alcoholism runs in my family, and I don't want to wake up one day, 43 years old in a pile of my own vomit and be like "shit, I need rehab." I guess you could call it being proactive.

Q: Are you, like, scared?
A: A little. This is harder to admit than being gay, really. When you're 23, it's almost like you're expected to be perpetually drunk. It's part of the young culture in so many ways. It's scary because alcoholism is everywhere and no one talks about it. People watch it happen on Intervention and laugh at the addicts whose lives are literally falling apart before our eyes. People don't understand it. People want you to have fun with them, and drinking, in so many cases, equals fun.

Q: Why are you like, posting this about you and your family on the Interwebz?
A: Addiction is everywhere, in all shapes and dress sizes. People, wake up. I share this on the internet because if people read my blog, I want them to know that this is real, it happens, and it might even be happening in your family. I remember feeling isolated when I found out my mother was an alcoholic. I shared it with only a few friends. Since that time, I've been more open about it with people because it's part of me, and more often than not, it's part of them, too. Like I said, addiction is everywhere and almost every single person in this country has some close relation to it. You're not alone, and there are ways to get help. The more you know, cue flashing rainbow and piano jingle. Sponsored by NBC.

Seriously, though. My mother is an addict. In my mind, there's no shame whatsoever in that small matter of fact. She's still a beautiful, incredible, strong woman - more so now that she's in a process of recovery. Experiencing that during my adolescence affected me in ways I cannot even begin to explain. It made me an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. (If you think you might be one too, you absolutely must read the book Adult Children of Alcoholics. It knows you better than you know yourself. I'm not kidding - read it and it will change your life). It affects my relationships, my behavior, my pet peeves, everything. I feel lucky, though. Love conquered addiction in our family, and I immersed myself in learning about addiction, what it means, where it comes from, and how it's stopped.

I'm just over drinking. I just want to love and be loved and not have that substance be the catalyst for me making a wrong decision that I would never make with a sober mind. I want to have a healthy relationship. I want to remember the night before. I want to live a long time. I want my liver to live a long time, too. I want to keep my brain cells. And I don't want to get fat. All good enough reasons for me.

Just like my mom, I'll take each day as it comes. I can't say that I'll never drink ever again, but I can say that today it stops. It's funny that I feel more ashamed for admitting my problem, than say, for acting like such a fucking idiot the times I was drunk. Oh, well.

If you or someone you know has a problem with addiction, remember that time waits for no one. Just admit it to yourself - try not to be ashamed. Try not to feel alone because you're not. Dr. Drew is here. I'm here. And I'm your friend. And I want you to live the happiest life you can live.