dear mr. editor of a homophobic magazine

Esquire. Sounds classy, right? Esquire is a men's magazine, for those of you living under a media rock, kind of like Details or GQ but never as fun or relevant. I really have always hated the magazine and never knew why. Until now.

Before we get in too deep, I have to credit Queerty, my favorite LGBT-blog, for giving me the heads up on this crazy shit. In Esquire's most recent "How to Be a Man" issue - hold please, gagging - they decided to feature a cute little article on how manly men can best use curse words. Of course, I have absofuckinglutely no problem with profanity. I tend to get really, really dirty sometimes. Okay, all the time. A day isn't complete for me without some sort of horribly disgusting, profane shit terd coming out of my mouth. See? It's fun. Except when you're a fucking magazine that is read by people who go to your magazine in trust to learn how to become a man (idiots) and read your advice.

I grapple with this issue constantly - is media, such as magazines, obligated to send responsible messages? I think it's different when you're talking about art and making a statement through a film, TV show, performance piece, whatever. I think when you have a magazine that's supposed to actually feature real "journalists," the responsibility comes into play. At least, at the very least, counter your hateful messages with something positive and open-minded. At least give us some options, man. Manly man. Big, manly Esquire with your manly fonts and your manly covers of half-naked women and your manliness.

Here's some of their advice:
Look closely. Under "blasphemy." Sorry, but I have no fucking tolerance for the word 'faggot.' I don't know if it's because I was called it all my adolescent life, or if it's seeing others being called it all their lives, or hearing stories about how some kid is murdered while the shitheads who are killing him are calling him that word while they're doing it, or it's because I hear it so fucking often by idiots calling people who are clearly not faggots faggots because that's a real good insult, or what. Call me crazy.

I sometimes use the word with friends, jokingly. Just like I deny the Holocaust to my friends. Jokingly. Sometimes. They know I'm not serious, we've established this trust, and so I can call my friend a cunt if I feel like it. I'd never say the word publicly, because it's that whole responsibility thing. If I'm not speaking with someone who I haven't already established that this is okay between us, or, like Esquire, speaking to a huge fucking audience, then I need to be careful about what I say and who it's hurting. When speaking with people publicly, I have a (inherent or invented) responsibility to not put those kind of words out there. Esquire doesn't give a shit, obviously.

So, I wrote David Granger, Editor-in-Chief of the manliest magazine on a planet (it's a magazine, for fuck's sake. How manly can a magazine even be!?). I think you should e-mail him too. (dgranger@hearst.com) Warning: if profanity is not your thing a) why are you reading this blog and b) what you're about to read is a bit profane. Here's the full text of my e-mail:

Mr. Granger,

Quite frankly, I don't read your magazine. I never knew why, until I stumbled upon the most recent edition, which purportedly tells me "how to be a man." Apparently, calling someone (a nine year-old boy, no less) a shit-sniffing faggot, is the most effective way to curse and by way of extension, helpful in becoming a man.

Come to think of it, that shiteous article was really helpful to me in one way, and that's by giving me the freedom to write to a professional and use whatever goddamn curse words I want. Was the article a joke? Was it meant to be tongue-in-cheek? Was it not to be taken seriously at all? Mr. Granger, whatever the fuck it was, it was really fucking distasteful and shameful. Mr. Granger, we have 11-year old children KILLING THEMSELVES because of bullying like the kind your magazine endorses in a young man's effort to become "manlier."

It's obvious that you disagree with me, since your sorry-ass excuse for a magazine endorses that kind of hateful speech, so this e-mail is most likely falling not only on deaf ears, but the ears of a fucking imbecile. I consider being a man to be showing respect and acceptance of others, no matter who they are, where they come from, or what they choose to do with their dicks.

And speaking of dicks, you prick, when you decide to release issues of magazines like this - you know, the ones that tell you "how to be a man" - don't you know that they just reveal how painfully small your dick is. Is it inverted? Just wondering. Do you drive a Hummer, too? How else are you compensating? There's only one thing that reveals the size of a man's livelihood more than these kinds of pathetic attempts at gauging masculinity through hate and idiocy, and that's walking around naked. I hope you receive a shitstorm of e-mails about this ridiculous article. I wouldn't hope that your magazine goes under like so many are these days, though, but that's just cause there's no reason to hope for the inevitable.

Mr. Granger, or asshat, if that's what you'd like to be called, you should apologize. This letter is meant to be a little ridiculous, because it seems that's what gets you off with the kind of horseshit you put in your magazine, but if there's one thing you need to take seriously, it's that bullying is no joke. Especially to children. I've managed to find creative ways to insult you throughout this entire e-mail without using hateful, derogratory words like "faggot." You wouldn't dare put the word nigger in that article, would you? I guess niggers are manlier than faggots, though, right? I'm not sure - didn't see any articles in the magazine about that.

Your magazine, unfortunately, reaches many individuals. Is it really so fucking wrong to send positive or responsible messages once in a while? Please, Mr. Cum Bubble, apologize to the millions you've both offended and insulted with your poor decision-making and leadership skills.

And read this article, please. And go to bed tonight wondering if you've contributed to the suffering of another human being.

Yours fucking truly,
Wes

PS - I think you're a festering ingrown anal hair coming out of the boil on the swampy bottom of Rush Limbaugh. Look, I didn't even have to curse for that one!

I'm going to start writing letters to the editor all the time, if they can be as fun as this one was to write.

Seriously, you guys. Don't use that word. An 11-year old boy killed himself this week in Massachusetts because he was bullied so relentlessly. Though he never identified it, he was called anti-gay slurs. Like Esquire's fave word, faggot. When you say it, you can't possibly even begin to imagine the kind of self-hatred it creates that can drive people to harm themselves or others. And if you think they should "man-up" or learn that words will never hurt them, you're just wrong and I think you'd like this magazine I've heard about called Esquire.

People hurt themselves, and others, daily because of words like "faggot" or "fatty" or "nigger" or "raging bull dyke." So, stop.