ex-tra terrestrials, vol. 1

Everyone's talking about it. Britney's va-jay-pus is hanging out. No, no. Abuse. The beating. Of course, most people are talking about it for all the wrong reasons, or going about it the wrong way, and it's just a big huge mess as the media tends to usually make of things with a slightly more complicated nature than say, Paris Hilton. But really - it's everywhere. And, thanks to 24 hour news channels and blogs like these, everyone has an opinion and can get it published. I don't have an opinion on those two crazy kids. I mean, I do, but that's not what this is about. This is about me, duh. Somebody tell me when my ego is as big as Tyra's, and I'll take it down a notch.

In San Francisco, I was describing a previous relationship to my cousin, and when she replied, describing a similar relationship, I heard her mention the word abuse.

I never considered my relationship abusive, per se. There was the time when I got slapped across the face (which I'm sure looked something like the jowling you see on your left), initiating a physical fight, but that was attributed to being "drunk and emotional." There were the times when conversations would be twisted to make me think I was lying, or had lied, or said something I hadn't. There were the countless mixed signals. There were drugs. Hm, gee, nope, I don't see anything abusive at all. Because I loved him.

At least, that's what I thought. Now that I'm at a safe distance from that relationship, I realize how abusive it really was. It was me in a cycle of constantly being built up and then being broken down. When relationships are emotionally abusive, it gets much more difficult - impossible, even - to assign blame. I know that I had to play into it sometimes. And I know that even more now, when I'm trying new relationships and realize that the games I used to play and think were a normal part of a relationship in fact, are not. I do know that in that relationship, I was definitely codependent and unaware of it for a large part of it, but I think that factored more into why I stayed in an unhealthy, abusive relationship for so long rather than how I made it worse.

The abuse was mostly assaults on my self-confidence and self-worth. I would get the goods: love, affection, attention, compliments, great sex and then I would get the smacks-in-the-face: lies, fights from nowhere, small but consistent remarks about my choices, the problems with intimacy. "You're being annoying." "That's annoying." "You are so fucking annoying." I heard those a lot.

Some people might think, dude, suck it up and grow a pair. I have a pair, thank you. And I am capable of sucking it up if I have to, but that's the thing - should I? And this was my question for so long in this relationship - does love constitute a constant negotiating of one's self-worth and value? Does love mean that I take my partners criticisms seriously (however constructive or poorly phrased they may be)?

I might be totally alienating some people when I go out on this limb here, but Oprah said it best. "Love doesn't hurt." Oprah featured the Domestic Disturbia Chris Brown/Rihanna Fiasco on her show the other day, and that's what she said. Call me masochistic, but I've always genuinely felt that love and pain are inherently connected. But when Oprah said it, I was like "oh, cool, you're right, girl! Can I come sit in the audience when Nate is there?"

I realized that true love doesn't hurt - at least not at the hands or words of someone else. Love must be a coming together of people, and it can't include a constant infliction of pain on one or both parts or however many parts in your freaky-deaky orgy relationships Big Love-style marriage situation. And if you're like me, and you're wondering if maybe you shouldn't be in this situation because you're not sure if you need to negotiate certain things about yourself - consider you simply asking that question as a big, giant "YES, U NEED 2 GET UP AND GO, BB GURL!" and go - to the left, to the left.

The fact is this: relationships do go through tough times. Hearts get broken. People leave and come back. People leave and stay gone. But those tough times should never include an attack on you and who you are. The minute you feel attacked, in any way, you must stand up and say something or consider yourself a willing recipient of that attack. Certain things, no matter how much you love someone, how close you get, or how hard they beat you, should never be up for negotiation, or discussion, even. Namely: your self-worth and who you are, owning yourself, what kind of sex you like and are comfortable with, your favorite singer, or anything else that means something to you. It's always great (and necessary) to be open to new perspectives, but it's also totally okay to not accept all of them. Unless you're one of Madonna's new boo's (left), in which case, give up your religion for the Kabbalah, cuz you ain't gettin' nowhere near them well-preserved goodies if you don't.

But seriously - Oprah's right, you guys. Love doesn't hurt. I'm excited to see what that feels like, because even the love I was in that was quite painful was pretty okay - the good parts, at least. I can't wait to see what it feels like to love myself and someone else.